Sunday, February 25, 2007


So the first thing to do when you lead a bloody revolution? Execute the traffic engineers. There are a variety of benefits to this plan.

1) You’ll be able to head to the capital to sack the current government without getting stopped by traffic lights. You realize, of course, that the only reason you get stopped by red lights at all is because traffic engineers are married to human resource employees. They both hate you. Traffic engineers are the ones responsible for all of the red lights on your way to work. Time to make them pay. And if you’re stuck at lights, the government’s airplanes could like, strafe your cars. No, better to not get stuck at traffic lights. Or in a traffic jam. Better plan it for a Sunday morning.

2) You can start out your new country with sensible traffic engineering. For example, you could actually time the lights so on a busy street if you go the speed limit you’ll never hit a red light. They actually do this in Argentina. Come on guys, Argentina. It’s third world.

3) You can fix all of those pesky little things you notice on your way to work. Like how the pressure pad on a side street activates a green light for the side street, even if the car is TURNING RIGHT. And since they’re turning right, they’re three blocks down by the time they get a green light. And then you get to stop and enjoy the day with an idling engine for no reason. Or how about the light for a small street intersecting your large street that hates you? You know what I’m talking about. It’s the light that is just turning yellow as you make eye contact, and red as you pull up to the line. And then you’ve got to wait the whole cycle to continue.

I’m sure there are many more benefits, but I’ve got to stop thinking about this before I start obsessing and trying to find whoever planned the lights in Palo Alto. Why is the Hanover/Page Mill light so long? Why does the El Camino/Page Mill light hate me so much?

So in the odd chance you hear of a malicious execution of traffic engineers nationwide, rest assured that I have started my coup d’etat. And if you’re a traffic engineer, time to lie. Or die. So maybe you should eat pie. Or hide with the pigs in the pigsty. Hummm…I should really start my own rap group.

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