Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a few small changes

I'm in the middle of switching things up, but just in case you're watching, this blog is now being hosted at everyguide.org, instead of its original home on quacking. I've also changed the template to something basic for the moment, but will be changing it again as soon as I can decide on a better format.

In any event, I'll be making a few fixes here and there behind the scenes which will hopefully make this thing a bit better. Feel free to vote yea or nay on anything.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

communicating with children

Communication with children is designed to decrease the average individual's intelligence until the point where the individual is on par with burning sea weed.

My niece called me this morning from my sister's phone, and I answered, "hey Bekah!" To which my niece responded, "no, this isn't Bekah!" At that point, I felt my brain draining through my nostrils, and I was constrained to say, "oooooh, boy, you tricked me!"

"You tricked me"? Am I a 90 year old man? Shall I buy a cane? I remember being ten and having adults talking to me, and me thinking they were the oddest people. They liked snow globes, smelled like rusty peppermint, and said things like, "oooooh, boy, you tricked me!"

From the tone in her voice following that comment, I could tell that she took me as a Brown-throated Three-toed Sloth. The rest of the conversation just went downhill from there.

From everything I've seen, the problem is fairly widespread, and I'm certain children everywhere have lower opinions of adults for this very reason.

The Olympics

The Olympics are a medium whereby genetically superior beings may showcase to genetically inferior beings their supreme superiority. This is accomplished through a variety of "sports", which include ribbon-dancing, team handball, synchronized swimming, synchronized diving, synchronized boxing*, and skinny-mostly-naked-girls-running-on-sand.

It also includes trampoline, though, as my friend Justin pointed out, "I'm more perplexed that they have trampoline as an Olympic sport...I picture the people in that 'sport' as being the leftover rejects that were never good enough to make the real gymnastics team".

Before I get hate comments from trampoliners, let me reiterate the fact that the Olympics are a medium whereby genetically superior beings assert their superiority over me.

However, there is one catch to the whole equation, which is this: the genetically inferior beings don't really catch on that these events are meant to showcase their inferiority. I, for example, sit on my couch eating potato chips, and laugh at people who run the 100 meters in 9.8 seconds:

"Man, that dude is SLLLLLOOOOOWWWW! What a pansy! Sissy! You got owned!"

All while not being capable of lumbering the 1 meter in 9.8 seconds.

Therefore, a more complete definition of the Olympics is as follows:

The Olympics are a medium whereby genetically superior beings may attempt to showcase to genetically inferior beings their superiority but are unable to do so, mainly through abject self-deception on the part of the inferiors.

*I lied about synchronized boxing, but I really think that should be the next Olympic sport.

___ - gate

pop quiz:

what do you do if you're a reporter with below-average intelligence, and you come across a scandal?

answer:

call it -gate.

the most enduring, painful legacy of Richard Nixon has been the constant affiliation of scandals with the word gate. every scandal now must be a gate. we started with Watergate. then we moved on to whitewatergate, and now have a plethora of gates.

last night, while I was watching the Olympics, a reporter spoke on "birthdaygate", referring to the Chinese government's alleged manipulation of gymnasts' ages. FOR THE LOVE! I mean, don't get me wrong, that is heinous and absurd, and against the Olympic spirit, BUT BIRTHDAYGATE MAKES NO SENSE.

please, people! can we come up with a better term? must every scandal be a derivation of gate?

utah sports teams

sadly, I don't know much about sports, or I would be much more inflammatory in this post, as I could actually talk trash about teams. or, in Utah's case, teamzz. that'zz right. during the 90zz, it was a requisite for every Utah sports team to incorporate a double z in the name. this led to a New York Times sportswriter Alan Schwarz to claim Utah was "the state where sports fans go to get their Z's."

I lived in Utah at that time (since moved to California), and I recall the following teams:

Jazz - basketball
Grizz - hockey
Starzz - women's basketball
Buzz - baseball
Freezz - indoor soccer
Blitzz - soccer

and wikipedia informs me there was yet another blight on our collective soul; the Catzz, an indoor football team.

I really can't think of anything informative to say, other than to quote my old boss: that's bat#@$@#$ insane. he always did have a way with words.

and if you're wondering why I bring this up now, it's because I couldn't blog about it back then, and boy was I annoyed. please. there are plenty of reasons to make fun of Utah already. we don't need any more.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

bikers in palo alto

bikers in palo alto, california, have but one thing in mind whilst biking: the permanent, constant need to get in front of other bikers in their path.

they accomplish this through a variety of ways; pedaling while standing, finagling their way to the front of queues stopped at stop lights, or my personal favorite, zipping through stop signs to pass the poor suckers who slow down, or, heaven forbid, stop.

relative speeds of other bikers are completely irrelevant to the bikers of palo alto. grannies with beach cruisers will edge out all comers at stop lights to be the first ones off the blocks, forcing the spandex-clad road bikers to pass them on the open road, where the hard-core spandexers typically outpace the grannies by a factor of thirty.

it's a darwinian world in the world of palo alto bicycling. every day is a race to get to work.