Friday, September 5, 2008


Coffee is a popular dye used in natural and synthetic fibers. It is most frequently used as an embellishment of traditional carpet patterns, and though its use is typically confined to areas around work desks in the common cubicle, you can find the tell-tale brown drip in office entryways, as well as office kitchens and break rooms.

Its use as a dye for clothing is well known--most often it will be found in small spots on ties, shirts, or on the upper portion of pants. Though often its presence in clothing admits the wearer into certain social circles, most of those circles are not that classy, and, in general, high fashion looks down on those sporting coffee-spotted attire.

Coffee is also used to inhibit people from incurring healthy habits such as sleep.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

customer service centers

Customer service centers exist as dungeons of punishment for the damned. People who steal gym towels, people who drive too slow in the fast lane, and people who cut their toenails on planes behind me, causing the toenails to fly into my arm, all end up as denizens of customer service centers.

Unfortunately, even with such a broad a net as that, customer service centers are woefully understaffed. For every acre or so of ringing telephones, there are a couple of hassled, overworked customer service agents desperately working the lines.

Luckily for these poor lost souls, there exists a way out of their fate of perpetual meaningless sales. Thwarting your every attempt to force the company to provide some service or right some wrong is only par for the course. Their freedom can only be secured by upselling you on any number of useless products. Only then, like Ariel being granted her legs, can they skip free on land again. However, "selling" in this case refers to getting you to utter the word "yes" at any point in the conversation, even if it is in reference to your desire to bonk yourself on the head with a bat. You'll soon find yourself drowning in dozens of spurious charges referencing "credit protection" or some over-generalized phrase.

Customer service centers are also nice places to call if you find yourself with a lot of extra time which you'd like to spend by listening to smooth jazz.