Friday, October 10, 2008

greeting cards

Greeting cards can be found for sale in just about every grocery store you'll ever meet. They have greeting cards for every occasion: New Mommy, Birthday, New Baby, Birthday for boy, New Wedding, Birthday for girl, Birthday for transgendered individual, Old Mommy, Grandma, Birthday for boy humorous, New Baby humorous, Old Mommy inappropriate, Old Wedding, Old Mommy ridiculously suggestive and completely uncalled for and inappropriate for any respectable human and should be banned from the free world, and Anniversary.

Greeting cards also typically have the unfortunate quality of attempting to be serious. Who is so incapable of writing 'I love you' that they need to buy a greeting card with that printed in big letters? Writers of greeting cards, I've got a message for you: if you're the one imparting the message, IT'S USELESS.

Imagine Bob Smith, who can't think of the words to tell his wife on their 30th Wedding Anniversary, so he goes to buy her a card. Imagine his surprise as he finds a greeting card with fluffy puppies saying, 'I love you'.

"Wow!", he'll say, "I never even THOUGHT about saying that!! And with puppies too!"

Imagine his wife as she gets said puppy-filled card.

"Ooooooh, how cute! Puppies!", she'll say, and upon opening the card to find 'I love you' stamped in gold letters with her husband's signature, she'll immediately pick up the phone and find a good divorce lawyer.

So, writers of greeting cards, please, spare us the printed smarmy messages. You may be able to fool your purchasers into buying into such a lame idea, but rest assured that their wives will leave them and soon they'll go back to spending their money on ratty sweaters and peanut butter.
Stick to humor. You're better at it anyways.

Though, I warn you, if you incorporate any word with the root 'sex' in any card intended for older women, I will burn it. Repeatedly. There is nothing more disturbing than shopping for birthday cards for my Mother to find said references.


Julie said...

have you heard the brian regan spot on greeting cards?

Daniel L.Thomas said...

Chris, this is by far one of the best blogs I have read in a long time. It's 2:00 in the morning and I'm laughing uncontrolably.

MommaMcCarthy said...

i'm sorry. i think you need to face reality:

in the venn diagram of "your mom" and "sex", you lie in the overlap.

have a nice day ;D

ps i'm giggling