Thursday, October 2, 2008

the **illion dollar budget deficit

Every so often through the course of your life, someone will try and scare you by mentioning the US budget deficit, which is currently somewhere near the number of plastic surgeries Michael Jackson has undergone.

Don't fall for their scare tactics. The US budget deficit isn't real money or obligations. It's actually a secret encrypted message used by the NSA. Ever realize how that number is prime? And it never goes up by just one, but by apparently random increments? That's right, it's top secret US intelligence.

Actually, I lie. The budget deficit is a plan by the US Congress to destroy, then take over the world. At some point in the near future the amount of outstanding obligations will equal the sum total of neutrons in the known universe. At that point, Americans will actually be in debt to foreign powers above and beyond any possibility of repayment, yet somehow, we'll still be able to issue debt to eager creditors.

However, just after that point, Congress will default on all obligations, causing nuclear holocaust, as the Chinese come to collect their dues by removing vital pieces of American history and infrastructure (HEY, you can't take the golden gate!! that's our bridge!!). The future US president will have no choice but to release the nukes, as actually paying down the debt will be out of the picture. As the mushroom clouds multiply, you'll see members of Congress congregating in their underground bomb shelters with Dr. Strangelove and legions of hand-picked beautiful now debt-free Americans.

Foreign nations who hold our debt have actually figured this out, and plan on repossessing our nuclear weapons long before that point arrives. Just don't mess with that repo man, 'cause he is dirt tough.

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