Thursday, January 15, 2009

shoplifter-detection gates (revisited)

I'm sorry to revisit a sore subject, but there was one thing I neglected to mention in my last post on shoplifter-detection gates:

They are viciously vindictive.

Just yesterday I stopped by a library, and on my way out, minding my own business...

BEEP!

Okay, well, that's fine, I understand that I insulted you the other day Mr. Gate, so I can see why you'd want to beep at me.

A librarian scurried over to interrogate me, and she suggested I remove any computer chargers from my backpack. So I took it out, and walked through.

BEEP!

She asked if I had any large metal objects. I took out my stapler.

BEEP!

She then asked me for any books, which I gave to her.

BEEP!

This was entertaining the other patrons. I should have charged them for the show. The librarian then took my backpack in custody, and I walked through.

BEEP!*

At this point, I was ready to go into airport-prep mode, and started to remove my belt, keys, wallet, loose sweaters, shoes, sharp objects, etc. She stopped me, and told me it was probably just my pants, and
(with a raised eyebrow, and one hand on the phone, ready to call me in for shoplifting) did I remove any shoplifter-detection devices from my pants?**

I gathered up my various items, and left dejected, humiliated, and beaten by the gate.

So, if you're still listening, Terman Library Exit Gate, I love you. You are perfect, noble, loving, kind, and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you. I understand why you would be mad, but please don't dress me down like that in front of everyone again. It's embarrassing.

*No, really, I didn't make any of this up. I even left out the twice that I walked through, just hoping for the random gate beeping to toss me a bone to no avail. I think I ended up going through eight times. On the eighth it still beeped, but she unlocked the second gate (more a horizontal post) and let my sorry self free.

**A former coworker suggested later that day that perhaps the problem was the combination of me and the pants; that for anyone else, nothing would have happened, but I was the secret ingredient to an explosive combination.

1 comment:

megan said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha.
haha.



ha.