Thursday, January 22, 2009


Weightlifting is the practice of developing muscles which are completely useless in real-life scenarios.

If you actually needed/used those muscles, either you would actually strengthen them through real-life activity, or you would have evolved with them larger than the minuscule things that they are. Or, if you're a creationist, God would have made them larger. Either way, they'd be bigger on their own.

Go to a gym. You'll see dozens of people engaged in completely unnatural acts, trying to build meaningless muscles. Holding a barbel up high, then lifting it up and down behind their head. Stretching their arms out in a flapping motion while holding weights. Laying down, pushing up a bar with some weights attached on the ends.

In what alternate reality are you going to suddenly need to push hundreds of pounds up to arm's length while laying down? "Oh no! Uncle Ned just dropped dead on top of Jimmy! Good thing Jimmy's been bench pressing. He'll have no problem whatsoever raising Uncle Ned's body to arm's length so that we can easily pick him up and carry him from there!"

It's not like you hear people at parties talking about how happy they were that they did those flapping exercises, because the other day I found myself encased in a jar of peanut butter and the only way out was by flapping. Upside down.

I can't even imagine a scenario in which curling would be necessary. Unless it involves lead gloves you need to raise to chest level to protect yourself from ion rays.

On second thought, that is a completely valid real-life scenario, so I retract my complaint with curling.

Not that I want to diss on exercise, what with people so fat these days. I just don't understand the purpose of making sure you have a nice trapezius (is that how you'd even say that?).


Jerkolas said...

Having just come from the gym, I think from now on I will be a creationist exerciser. I'm sure if God wanted me to be with a girl that really likes biceps He would have given me some right?

chris said...

hahaha. most definitely. and He would have given me washboard abs. obviously, the woman for me appreciates laziness.

jeremiah said...

(this is megan) "Laziness!! Thievery!!" Jeremiah doesn't lift weights because he has another nice bodily feature that is far superior to muscles...
a bowl full of jelly.