Monday, February 16, 2009

leaf blowers

Around the start of the space age, non-nerds realized they were soon to be relegated to less desirable jobs, as nerds vaulted ahead in such wonderful fields as nuclear physics, rocket science, and computer programming. Cognizant of the difficulties they would soon face, non-nerds fought tooth and nail to hold on to their status, and you'll still find non-nerds occupying fiefdoms here and there, but the ascension of people such as Bill Gates, Sergey Brin, and Larry Page sounded the death knell for non-nerds.

Therefore, in a parting shot at nerds, non-nerds invented the one true torture device: the leaf blower.

You non-nerds will probably be confused, as you had little idea that your superiors had created that device with your benefit in mind. But let me remind you that nerds typically have poor eyesight, and people with poor eyesight will typically wear contacts, and leaf blowers were invented SPECIFICALLY TO SHOOT PARTICLES IN OUR EYES.

Walking by a leaf blower while wearing contacts is a bit like laying down on nice soft grass, and keeping your eyes open during a hailstorm comprised entirely of pins and rabid porcupines. I am utterly incapable of describing the pain. The words do not exist*. I'm crying just thinking about it.

With that in mind, you'll note that I have a very large hatred towards leaf blowers, and need to restrain myself from shouting obscenities, should I ever pass someone using one. Of course, I have some level of security, knowing that the large person operating said leaf blower most likely cannot hear me. But still, I am a nerd, and fear physical confrontation above leaf blowers, and thus remain sissily silent.

The only saving grace of leaf blowers is that they can be used as a device to wake up my non-nerd neighbors early on Saturday morning, in retaliation for all of the scratches on my cornea.

* adfs;#$Q%#$%al;kl is the only one to come to mind.

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