Monday, March 16, 2009

cups at parties

Throughout the course of your career as a human, you will likely be invited to social gatherings of some sorts*. Sometimes these gatherings go by different names, but almost all of them incorporate some form of drink. So, as an inexperienced party goer I give you my advice: hold on to that cup. That cup is your lifeline.

Cups at parties are extremely helpful objects. No matter the liquid, no matter the type of cup, they are always useful, and should not be discarded under any circumstances.

First of all: your stance. How do you stand around talking to people? Well, if you don't have a cup, what exactly do you do? Put your hands in your pockets? Just flop your arms down by your side? Fold your arms? No. None of those poses are good. You must hold that cup in one arm, and let the other fall to the side. This is the only acceptable pose. All other poses make you look stupid.

Secondly: conversation stopping. Let's sidestep the story where I was once referred to as a conversation stopper (one of my favorite date stories of all time) and just go on to the mechanics of said stopping (one of my abilities, obviously). There are two ways to stop a conversation while holding a cup. You wait for that awkward pause when neither of you have nothing to say, yet neither of you know how to stop the conversation. Well, I'll tell you how. Just bring that cup up for a long, drawn-out, chug. You don't even need liquid in there to do this one. Halfway through your interlocutor will realize he/she has been offered and escape, and will take it with ease.

However, you could be still stuck with the person after the swig, or worse, there could be no awkward pauses because you are being talked to death. Your cup comes to your rescue here. Oh no! Your cup is empty!** Well, nice talking, but you've got to go get a refill.***

Lastly: protection. There are a variety of ways in which the cup will exercise its powers o'**** protection, but an easy one to peg is the following. Say the party calms down a bit, and you find yourself watching a movie next to someone who is more interested in you than vice versa. Simply hold the cup in the hand nearest them. It makes it a lot harder to grab your hand when you're holding a pile o' liquid. This isn't guaranteed to work, but should help.

Cups are also useful for dumping liquid on others in key moments. I have been on the receiving end of this several times.

*Cue joke about me not getting invited to things. I was so close to adding it, but figured I'd let this self-deprecating comment slide. But next time, I'm totally running with it.
**More difficult to fake than taking a swig o' air, but still possible.
***This is less effective when you are standing next to the refilling device.
****My shout-out to St. Patrick's Day tomorrow. Bless that holiday.

1 comment:

Jerkolas said...

This would explain why I am never invited to parties; it's all my extremely conservative teetolar ways. Well that or because I don't have facebook.