Tuesday, March 31, 2009

froot loops

Froot Loops were given by God to man as a reward for all forms of righteousness. To my atheist and agnostic friends I have but one thing to say: explain the existence of blessed Froot Loops in your cold godless universe! I am afraid they are the true expression of divine love.

Froot Loops are also responsible for my inexplicable love of toucans. I imagine toucans to be lovers and helpers of the human race, and if one should ever take a bite of them, you would find the sweet taste of high fructose corn syrup mixed with artificial fruit flavorings. Mmmmmmmmm...high fructose blessedness*.

As a child, I quickly discovered the superiority of Froot Loops to any other forms of cereal**. In those days, my mother refused to buy "sugar cereals"*** with any frequency. It was quite a treat to open up a box of sugar cereal, which honor was very rarely bestowed upon one of the children. Seeing as how my family consists of eight children, we took to the following strategy whenever we had the blessed chance to open a new box of cereal:
  1. Open up the box after everyone has eaten breakfast.
  2. Eat the entire box immediately.
Thus, I could, at the age of seven, finish an entire box of Fruity Pebbles within a half hour, with no visible side effects.

Of course, opening a box of cereal also held its risks. You were responsible for the contents of that box being eaten, no matter what the contents. I have a very painful memory of eating a rancid chocolate-flake themed cereal for weeks. It may have been Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles sick
evil depraved cursed malevolent nefarious twin, cursed be its name, and a pox upon it and its children and its children's children unto the fourth and fifth generation.

Last week I visited my brother and his wife and beautiful child in Seattle. Throughout the course of the weekend, my sister-in-law mentioned how the nutritional facts between so-called "sugar cereals" and non-sugar cereals were almost identical. Thus, on my last trip to Costco, I checked. Yup. Except for the addition of some sugar, there was almost no difference between Corn Flakes and Froot Loops. Now, you tell me: why would anybody in their right mind choose Corn Flakes over Froot Loops? Seriously? That's like choosing cardboard over crème brûlée****.

Mom. Please. WHY? I could have been eating Froot Loops MY ENTIRE LIFE???!

Therefore, I am the proud new owner of a large Costco-sized box of Froot Loops. And I've been eating to my seven-year-old heart's content.

*I lie. I hate high fructose corn syrup. It is a plague upon mankind.
**This is also not entirely correct. Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch equally vie for my love, but as this post was inspired by my recent purchase of Froot Loops, they shall remain in the limelight. Mmmmmm...blessed artificial lime flavor mixed with high fructose corn syrup...mmmmmm
***That term should be used with some degree of salt, seeing as how we've established the absence of blessed blessed sugar.
****I actually have no idea what that is, except that it allowed some weak alliteration so I chose it. I hope it's good.

4 comments:

MommaMcCarthy said...

Creme brûlée is Jay's favorite dessert! He especially likes the initial crack of the sugary crusty top. You should really consider trying it sometime.

jeremiah said...

Ah, reminds me of my childhood. Even though I have no competition any more, sometimes I revert back to survival mode and eat a whole box of cereal in one sitting, much to Megan's dismay.

Jerkolas said...

I once saw a Toucan in Argentina. Immediately we thought of Froot Loops...and then he led us to an oasis of Froot Loops. True story.

jamwt said...

Cinnamon Toast Crunch rocks!