Thursday, March 5, 2009


Hell is a location of badness. Doctrinal differences aside, I think we can all agree that hell is a place you want to avoid. People may disagree on the location, the temperature (Dante, for example, thinks it's a cold day in hell...every day!), and the existence of its master, but the actual existence of such a place is a proven fact. If you don't believe me, visit Las Vegas.

Ha ha, just kidding. I love you Las Vegans! Lotsa luv!!! ;P *

As Gary Larson, a premier expert on hell, once drew, hell is divided into a series of rooms. Some of these rooms are dedicated to symphony conductors, some are dedicated to terrorists, and some are dedicated to people who drive too slow in the fast lane. However, few are familiar with the following areas of hell, which are reserved for people who:
  • Leave erasure shavings on desks. Sometimes I find desks that are blanketed in old erasure shavings. Yes, you are all going to hell.
  • Steal bike lights from innocent bikes ridden by innocent people who will kill and torture your corpse should they find you.
  • Hurt the curve by scoring high on tests.
  • Design a bike path that careens headlong into concrete barrier, causing my bike to sustain damage while throwing me across the pitch black concrete plateau, and please oh please I hope nobody saw and/or videotaped that.
  • Come to class smelling putrid, and intentionally sit close to me.
  • Leave kimchi out in the fridge, ensuring its smell will leach onto the entire house and all its occupants.
  • Go slow on the freeway until you attempt to pass them, at which point they speed up like the road runner.
  • Drive in your blind spot.
  • Have loud phone conversations in public places.
  • Incessantly use buzzwords like strategic, paradigm, any position with reference to a box, let's take this offline**, and my personal most hated buzzphrase of all time--oh, this is so painful to write--low-hanging fruit***. GAHHHHHHHHH.
  • Cut me with their upward-facing knives in the dishwasher.
  • Pee on toilet seats.
  • Clip their toenails or fingernails on the carpet. Undeniably gross. You shall endure endless burning for that.
Hell is also a fun pseudo-pswear word. Unless it actually is a swear word, which thing I have never tried to figure out, as that knowledge would deter me from using it in my daily life, which use has many beneficial effects on my person. And some detrimental effects on others, whose general course in eternity (or the course I desire them to take) has been bluntly made known to them by me.

*I'm not actually kidding. I hate Las Vegas with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, and have sworn to never visit that place ever ever again. Ever. I attempted to clue you in to the kiddingness by using the word luv, which has the distinction of also having a special area in hell dedicated to users of said word. The emoticon ;P is borderline.
**You're speaking right now. You're already offline. Telephones are not "online" unless you're ninety.
***Seriously, that was deeply painful. I felt pain. In my fingertips. To my toetips. A wave of revulsion spread across my body. Waaaaiiiit. This must be what the women I ask out feel! Interesting...


Jess said...

Amem CP! I'll save you a seat in my private box in hell.

jeremiah said...

Hell is a swearword when used as anything other than a location. As in 'what the' or 'been a ... of a time'. But you can still tell people to go to hell since that is proper usage.