Saturday, March 7, 2009


Republicans are the second largest political party in the United States, and are currently desperately trying to become third. Due to recent events, they have become the gays of twenty years ago--everybody knows they exist, but nobody fesses up to being one.

Actually, that's a bit below the (very stylish) belt. My deepest apologies to my gay friends for having equated them to Republicans.

But I love Republicans. Some of my best friends are Republicans. Though, I've noticed as of late that I have significantly fewer Republican friends. This could be due to either my having significantly fewer friends in general, or the fact that in the cruelest of ironies, Republicans are now having to fight to get themselves on the endangered species list, which list they have historically fought to keep blank.

Republicans ruled the world as early as three years ago, when they were summarily trounced by the Democrats in the midterm elections of 2006. These days, they are mainly kept in congress to entertain the public as they reminisce on c-span about the days in which they could liaise with pages or enter men's restrooms without being followed by the FBI.

Okay, so not all of this is technically true--they aren't actually kept in congress to entertain us. Obviously, Democrats keep Republicans around to continue sticking it to them in the grand tradition of 'to the victor belong the spoils', or, in this case, the op-ed pieces where they euphorically laud themselves for an 'historic' conquest*. Republicans are then tied to their rolly chairs in their basement congressional offices and forced to read every word that falls from Maureen Dowd's pen. And are then force-fed some sort of bio-fuel. Or maybe high-fructose corn syrup, that plague on mankind which is kept alive by ridiculous agricultural policies, which everyone seems to hate, but nobody can change lest Iowa secede from the Union.

Just kidding. We stopped the South, but we wouldn't stop you, Iowa, from seceding. That goes for you too, North Dakota.

Historically, Republicans were a grand coalition between two segments of society--those who love God more than anything else, and those who love money more than anything else. Funnily, there have been cracks in that coalition as of late, maybe due to the fact that these two groups of people have completely opposite ideologies on almost anything pertaining to anything.

That all being said, Republicans, like the sick man in Monty Python, aren't dead yet. Way too many people are patting themselves on the back for slaying the beast, even if unleashing the fury of Rush "I hate everybody who doesn't pay me obeisance, including small animals and children" Limbaugh got pretty close to destroying anyone's desire to ever be associated with anything in any way related to him. For all of the victory parties being thrown by major news networks (save Fox, of course--you didn't think I could do a post on Republicans without singling out Fox, did you?) and late-night shows and day shows and whatever, the Republicans have not left the building.

I know this may seem highly unlikely to the euphoric cloud commentators, but the public is a cruel beast. More cruel, perhaps, than Rush. Maaaaaaybe. They're close. Remember that Bush once had a stratospheric approval rating, before we realized he had intelligence rivaling that of a lobotomized fruit fly.

Picture this scenario: the so-called 'stimulus' doesn't really work. I know, I know, everyone in the Democratic party besides Joe Biden thinks it's a panacea, and every expert economist is telling us it's the right thing to do**, but maybe, just maybe, it doesn't do what we think it's going to do.

Should that happen, like Lazarus coming forth, the Republicans will be back and better (worse?) than ever.

So don't get too hopped up on champagne, Rep-haters. It ain't over until the fat lady sings, or we engage in thermonuclear warfare with Russia, or we get hit by a comet, or we sell ourselves to China for iPods, or the machines take over, or Rush Limbaugh eats too many spicy foods, or the apocalypse happens. Whichever comes first.

I think we've got at least, at least ten more years as a country. Plenty of time for the Republicans to make a comeback. So keep those page jokes on ice.

*If I have to hear the word historic with relation to politics one more time, I'm going to throw my subsidized digital TV converter box at Rush Limbaugh's Pharmacist.
**So, ummmm, should you really be trusting economists? You know, we did just have an economic disaster. Maybe we should put some other experts in charge of dispensing advice? Maybe Nate Silver of He seems to have gotten something right as of late, instead of merely talking about getting something right.

1 comment:

jeremiah said...

Yeah, Republicans are weird (especially Rush "I desperately need attention" Limbaugh). So are Democrats (but I know far more Republicans). I'm especially sick of the economic crisis and politics overlapping. Obama has obviously made the stock market drop 25% (purposefully) since inauguration, and/or Bush obviously single-handedly drove us into this mess.