Thursday, April 2, 2009


Dinosaurs are excellent animals to study and love for the guilt-ridden human. This is due to two very important qualities of dinosaurs:
  1. Dinosaurs are extinct, which means we can't feel guilty for taking over their habitat or disrupting their food supply or subjecting them to torture by sadistic scouts.
  2. We did not extinguish them.
Dinosaurs are also convenient animals to emulate. In the (Calvin and) Hobbesian view of the world, dinosaurs are helpful in intimidating and dispatching of enemies.

No other animal or groups of animals fits these criteria. If they are currently alive, humans are in the process of exploiting and killing them. If they are extinct, it's because we killed them off. And if they're extinct, and we didn't kill them off, they're trilobites, and BORING*.

So if you're in the mood for reading about animals without any guilt, or you're looking to live out your wildest fantasies involving eating your first grade teacher, I'd suggest picking up some books in the dinosaurs section. This will help take your mind off the fact that the very act of driving to the library and reading has killed five acres of rainforest, sixteen squirrels, and five thousand four hundred and sixty two bright pink koala bears**.

*Thousands of Utah school teachers do not understand this. They make constant reference to the number of trilobite fossils in Utah, and how amazing this is and adfljaljasdl. Oh sorry, I fell asleep just writing about them. They are stupid creatures. Barely worthy of mention. If they were alive today, I'd kill them all myself, just as punishment for their boringness.
**They're bright pink from the chemicals that leach into their water supply from rubber-ducky producing factories.

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