Thursday, April 23, 2009

mosquitoes

As my good friend Julie says, mosquitoes are the devil's minions. And this is a true fact.

As the good book says, God
created the world in six days. And when He was resting on the seventh, the devil sent his minions to suck the blood of the poor Edenians. To continue with our biblical history, Noah, for some inexplicable reason, must have let mosquitoes on the ark. Should I ever get a chance to speak to Noah, that is the first item of discussion. I expect it to become quite violent.

People hate vampires because they suck blood. People hate rats because they transfer diseases*. Mosquitoes do both. They should be doubly hated, doubly cursed above any vampire rat.

Unfortunately, that's not all mosquitoes do. Not content with making us miserable through biting us and making us itch, they spend their evenings looking for ears to buzz around. There is no greater frustration than hearing that buzzing sound as you're trying to sleep, and you flap your arms around you in useless throes of agony. My blood is cu
rdling right now at just the thought.**

However, sometimes fortune smiles on the violent. Just the other day I had a mosquito buzz me in the evening, causing much temptation for adultish words to escape my mouth, which temptation I avoided. I swore (as in, swore an oath, not a word) I would find and kill said mosquito. Well, I want every mosquito in the world to behold THIS!


What is that, you ask? THAT'S YOUR BROTHER, DEAD ON MY WALL. BUZZ ME NOW SUCKERS!

So, let's review the lessons we've learned today:
  • Mosquitoes transfer diseases.
  • Mosquitoes bite us and make us itch.
  • Mosquitoes are the devil's minions.
  • Noah is going down.
And one last note to any mosquito out there reading: If you even think about buzzing my ear at night, I will smash your puny body on my wall. And though I'm not a particularly violent person, I will laugh at your corpse. And maybe spit on it.

*Okay, that's a myth, but I couldn't think of any better animal.
**Including the blood that was wrongfully sucked and stolen from me.

2 comments:

Jerkolas said...

While people used to hate vampires they have now somehow become model citizens that despite being entirely obsessive and controlling are still super sweet and dreamy examples of semi-repressive chastity. Maybe mosquitos can make a similar transformation...probably not...unless they start sparkling.

Julie said...

I can't stop smiling. Seriously, I curse those buggers. As much as I dislike Utah the three great factors are 1. Cafe Rio 2. Family and 3. you can stay out all night without a single mosquito bite. It took me about 2 months after moving to Utah to stop the habit of swatting around my arms at night. If you find Noah, let me know. I want in on that action.