Friday, July 17, 2009

the green solution

Two days ago, I callously posted on the green revolution, and neglected to include the solution to our current carbon conundrum. How could this be called the complete guide to everything if it neglects to guide you in your daily life? How can this purport to purvey knowledge without wisdom as well?

Some people talk about cutting back carbon emissions, but they'll never eradicate carbon emitters like hummers from this planet so long as icons of style like the Governator drive them. Some people suggest seeding the ocean with minerals to speed up carbon absorption by the sea. Other ideas include giant sunshades, painting roofs white, or pumping CO2 underground.

No, no, these are all the bad ideas of sissy girlie men. There's only one way to absorb all of this carbon we've been emitting over the past two hundred years.

Don't you see? It's all so simple. We've been burning coal and oil like mad, which has been emitting this carbon into the atmosphere. And where does the oil come from? From decayed dinosaurs. So how do we save the planet?


Not only would Jurassic Park be an incredible commercial success, but it would also allow us to neutralize our carbon emissions. Furthermore, it would bring us great advances in chaos theory, revitalize our museum industry by providing new dinosaur fossils, and be a major stimulus for computer security networks, bequeathing future generations with a program written containing about two million lines of code and a pixelated version of Newman saying, "ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word!"

Saving the planet requires--no, demands--resurrecting the dinosaurs. Let all further green investments be calibrated to produce that end result. Our motto shall be:

The Dinosaur Stimulus: Saving the World by Creating Smart Jobs for Smart People Who Will Avoid Smart Raptors by Also Designing Claw-Proof Door Handles. And Carrying Large Guns. With Attractive Females Nearby. Female Humans, That Is. Not Necessarily Female Dinosaurs. But There Will Be Some Of Those, Even If You Explicitly Only Make Males. This Because of Frogs. Somehow.


Jerkolas said...

As a soon to be PhD holding geneticist I fully support and, if I may, endorse this idea with every fiber of my being! If science isn't working towards this all ready then I am not sure science is worth it.

Unknown said...

i just discovered your blog. this is hilarious! very entertaining.