Thursday, July 9, 2009

road signs

As you travel this summer, you'll probably come across a series of road signs, indicating dangers, regulations, and information. As some of these could be considered confusing, I've taken the liberty of explaining the most confusing of the signs below1. I refer you to Brian Regan. The sign should actually read 'Road Closed Ahead'.
Some dude is having a rough time with a very curiously misshapen shovel. It could possibly actually be an anvil on a stick.

Children being abducted ahead2.
Guy with mousetrap stuck on hand needs help ahead.
If you're in the right lane, immediately merge to the left. If you're in any other lane, make your way to the right when it clears up, and zoom to the front of the line.
Street filled with snooty people who can't bear the thought of living on a dead end road. Therefore, it's not a dead end, there's just no outlet. Also, no electricity here. Or creative methods of expression.
As a child, for the longest time, I thought xing was another word for zone. I don't think I figured out the meaning of this sign until the age of 24 8.

The joke is so old it's worn out, but I just had to post it. Them must be some fat children if they need a sign announcing their sluggishness.

It has no morals! Save yourself and your children from its depravity!

A dude in a '78 Cadillac is up ahead, drunk and swerving.

You need to hit up the gym. Your stomach is probably soft too.

8% of drivers actually know how they calculate the percentage grade. Could you devise a more opaque measure of steepness?
People are dropping boxes from the leaning tower of Pisa. That or there's an aviary ahead with a wacked out birdhouse.

Stop a head (my brother always reaches over and pushes my head back against the headrest at this point).Inebriated engineers designed this road.

An escaped couple from the fifties is crossing the street ahead.

The aforementioned brother is not allowed on the next section of road.

And the mean! And the mode! And every measure of deviance! Heaven forbid you touch the kurtosis!3

People beyond this point don't want to see you naked.

Immediately start judging anyone parked here. Leave angry self-righteous notes if necessary.

We hate the environment here.

'Round these parts, we listen to Sublime.

Old folks live in these parts, and block the fast lanes of traffic. This is our futile attempt to brush them to the side.
Seriously, old folks inundate this stretch of road. Please, go faster. We beg you.

Cops won't bat an eye until you're over 30. That and you might as well start biking, because there's no point in having a car if you're restricted to 20 mph.

Keep your eyes on the road, and pretend you don't see them waiting for you to stop. Justify it to yourself any way possible.
Invitation to play chicken.

Read it backwards. You will laugh for the rest of your driving days 4.

Some dude is tossing ice cubes into a horse trough up ahead.

1. I'm sure this has been done before by somebody else, but I've never seen it, therefore, I'm going to pretend that I'm original.
2. Confession: I've seen all of these signs before, except this one. I can't actually think of what the real meaning of the sign is (I happened upon it while trolling for graphics). If that IS actually the definition, ummm, are you even serious? There exists a corner of hell on this planet where the frequency of said occurrence necessitates a sign? Couldn't we just bulldoze whatever part of town that is, and put in a nice park? One without insane adults around?
3. Although all of these jokes are lame, this one takes the cake. I'm sorry. I can't help it if I laugh about aspects of distributions.
4. Though it'll probably closely approximate the maniacal, crazed laughter of the insane.


drfindley said...

I've seen that children abduction sign. It's in San Diego near Mexico where illegal aliens may frequently run across the free way.

Why it doesn't make sense is it's a road running north-south, not east-west. *sigh*


drfindley said...

Also I think the "Guy with mousetrap stuck on hand needs help ahead." sign should read: "WARNING: MAGICIAN AHEAD. MAY LEAD TO LOSS OF RABBITS, FAKE FLOWERS, BAD CARD TRICKS AND LOSS OF LEGS IN A TRICK GONE VERY VERY WRONG"

drfindley said...


Katie said...

"Annie's twelve years old in two more she'll be [in loose gravel]." Isn't that the real version that Sublime meant to put out?

Hazzy said...

remind me to tell you about the border crossing signs sometime.