Saturday, August 15, 2009


Sabrina is the heartwarming tale of a beautiful, sophisticated woman falling in love with a complete tool, then getting the bait-and-switch pulled, and hooking up with the tool's ugly older brother. The tale comes in two versions: Audrey Hepburn vs. Humphrey Bogart, and Julia Ormond vs. Harrison Ford.

I suppose, as one of those ugly brothers, I should welcome this fantasy candyland, where such impossibilities can even be fathomed, but watching the graceful Audrey Hepburn "fall in love" with Humphrey "I looked middle-aged in high school" Bogart is a little too much. I mean, this is Audrey Hepburn we're talking about. She could have pretty much walked up to any dude and gotten a proposal within the hour. And she's going out with a chump named Humphrey? Who is seriously packing some wrinkles? It's like watching the Eiffel Tower going out with the Bronx. I mean, sure, I guess there's enough alcohol in this world to theoretically make it happen.

Likewise, Harrison Ford, for whatever reason, gets cast in romantic roles well into his sixties. There is something horribly, dreadfully wrong with that, and watching him can be a bit too frightening. I keep waiting for him to spout out something like, "do you want any candy little girl?"

The nice thing about films like these is that older dudes seem to have some power to conjure up younger mates, which further reinforces the acceptableness of such a ridiculous practice in modern society, thereby hopefully giving me a better chance of getting a mate someday. It may take me until my fifties, but if Audrey Hepburn will date me then, sign me up for the solitary priest half life. Of course, if any woman were to try and pull a similar stunt, she would get branded a cougar. Could we please come up with a derogatory term for old dudes cherry picking younger chicks?

Luckily, the Hepburn/Bogart version is completely devoid of any sort of romantic chemistry. They sort of look like a grandpa taking his granddaughter out on the town for her sixteenth birthday. It's charming, in a way. The actors must have been told they had different parts to play, because Ms. Hepburn appears to be (wisely) utterly repulsed by Mr. Bogart, and spends the movie thinking about his brother. Up until the closing credits (and beyond), it appears that she has absolutely no interest whatsoever in Mr. Bogart. This relieved me to some extent, knowing that she wasn't doomed to marry, much less date, this man. And Mr. Bogart doesn't seem to acknowledge that he left Casablanca, and continues to slurrishly-mumble his way through the film, even going as far as to reference a girl that broke his heart (who one can only presume is the one that got away in Morocco).

My favorite part, however, is the tool brother being in love with Sabrina right up until it's completely inconvenient. He takes his curtain call with a bow, gentlemanly decides he is, in fact, not interested in this woman, despite the uncomfortable fact that moments earlier he was willing to ditch his beautiful fiancée for said chica. I'm not sure what else you'd call that besides acting.

The upside to all of this is that Ford/Bogart's character is named Linus, which is a completely awesome name in all regards, and should be more popular. In the event I snag a wife before my fifties, there will be serious discussions around naming a son after such an amazing Peanuts character.

In summary, the next time you're unemployed for a month, find something better to do besides tivo old "classic" movies. And don't tell my mom I watched a movie on a weekday. During the day.

1 comment:

Jess said...

I may never watch Sabrina again. Hehe.