Monday, August 31, 2009


Trix is a magical cereal, given to bless the lives of children worldwide.

On the darker side of Trix, however, is the uncomfortable, racist plot by Corporate America to encourage children to deny good things to individuals not like them, for instance, cute rabbits1. I think of all of the traumatic things of my childhood, seeing that scenario repeated every Saturday morning was the most scarring. Maniacal children repeatedly denied this blessed breakfast to such a hungry rabbit. I so wished I could give him the Trix he desired. Sure, it's for kids, but can't the flipping kids just give the rabbit a taste? It is so blessed!

Ignoring that for now, Trix has magical swine-flu-beating qualities. After being able to eat nothing but three french fries, six spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, and some crackers for the past five days, I suddenly found myself hungry the other evening. But for what? I had hunger, but no appetite for anything.

Except my blessed friend, Mr. Trix.

I downed two bowlfuls of its delicious sugar-coated "whole grains". The hardened corn syrup ran down my throat like light gypsies of joy skipping across scrumptious skittle fields. I tipped the bowl and, like a medieval king, drank the mushy marsh of soggy dregs of the glowing sugary milk.

Trix used to come in helpful shapes, to let children know what fruit looked like, and also what a severely mutated sugarized form of that fruit would taste like. Seeing as how knowing the appearance of fruit no longer grants any intrinsic value, the Trix candy comes in psychedelically-colored balls2.

1. This is not to be confused with the terrible communist plot by a certain Mr. Seuss.
2. Helpful hint: add a statistics degree to influenza-induced delirium, and you get someone pondering the probability of six of said hippie balls of the same color coming to form a circle around another ball in your spoon. It's gotta be somewhere between getting hit by a meteoroid, and the likelihood that the only time in your adult life you get deliriously ill for a week falls on the very week you need to pack and move internationally.


drfindley said...

You're piece on Dr. Seuss and the subsequent follow-ups leave me astounded.

Oh and Trix are nice too. Are you sure it's swine flu?

MommaMcCarthy said...

I can't believe you moved out of the country! What, got sick of celebrating the fourth of July? I mean, really, what do they have that we don't? (besides pretentious accents...)
That being said, wave to Jay in Edinburgh for me. He's there (without me) until Friday. (now THERE's an awesome accent)

chris said...

I'm lying down in the general direction of scotland, waving...

and I can't believe I moved either. crazy!

chris said...

oh, and adam, the scott who wrote the first follow-up was my roommate, but the third guy just came in at random to pull off a home run. I still want to find that guy and shake his hand.