Monday, September 21, 2009

air conditioning

Air conditioning is a blessed invention bequeathed to man by more intelligent beings, in order to allow him to live in miserable places in comparative comfort.

Normally, no human would settle in places like Florida, Utah, or Texas, due to the extreme misery imposed by the summer months. Thankfully, air conditioning was given to us, which allows sane individuals to live in places like Florida or Utah1.

I want to state this again so it's clear: air conditioning was invented for places with miserable summers.

Let's go over the list of places for which air conditioning was not developed:
  • Siberia
  • Canada
  • La Tierra del Fuego
  • Alaska
  • Great Britain

Yes, that's right, I'm sorry, but Great Britain has no need for air conditioning. Why not? Well, first, it's stuck in the middle of the North Sea. Yes, the North Sea. This sea borders the Arctic Sea. It is cold.

Second, the historical high is 102°. Yes, once in human history it managed to eek its way up to 102°. Are you kidding me? If it hits 102° in Utah in August, energy usage plummets as people turn off the AC to enjoy the nice cool air. Penguins fly in from nearby zoos and sip hot chocolate in the sand.

Lastly, if you care to check the Latitude, the isle of Great Britain is located NORTH OF MAINE. And not just a little north of Maine.

Rule: If you live north of Maine, you do not get air conditioning. End of story2.

Today it was a sprightly 68 degrees outside in cloudy England. That's a pretty nice temperature. Inside the office it was 66. Perfect, huh? No, the English certainly don't think so. My coworkers noticed it wasn't pouring feezing rain outside, so they took the logical step of turning on our nuclear-powered AC unit, located directly above me.

I'm not talking about a little fan that rotates around and hits you every few moments. No, this was a cold-infusing powerhouse, spitting out Norwegian Air like it was the only thing between a warehouse full of ice cream and the Arabian Desert. And the only thing in its path was me. Slouching down to use the desk as a shield, and slowly whimpering while shivering me.

At worst, sans AC, we would have hit 70 in the office. People. Work with me here.

1. Texas, sadly, is still uninhabitable, as they have not yet developed getting-rid-of-annoying-drivers-of-large-trucks conditioning. Or destroying-the-plague-that-is-cowboy-hats conditioning. Also, adroit readers may question my assumptions, as Florida and Utah were both settled before the advent of AC (BAC, if you will). My only response: were those people normal3?
2. Sorry Nova Scotia, but you're going to have to deal with it.
3. No, I'm not insulting people of a certain religious belief. I think they'd agree with me. As for Floridians, I've never met a normal one.


jeremiah said...

Seattle is similar. This past summer they had a record heat wave, and by record I mean the temperature recorded was higher than any other recorded temperature over the last 130 years or something like that. The high was, brace yourselves: 103. However most people in Seattle to not have air conditioning, so a temperature that "high" really is a problem. Oddly enough, our Chicago summer was cooler than Seattle's, which happens once every millennium.

MommaMcCarthy said...

In my opinion, the people who cool malls in AZ are partially subsidized by the clothing industry- people in AZ must also buy sweaters and jackets, therefore the malls must be chilled to sub-zero temperatures.

philbert said...

Aside for it's benefits for giving comfortable feeling to people at the times of hot seasons and in hot places. I can also say that air condition such as HVAC Utah
is one of the best man's invention by being likable of other places that people not like sometimes to be within.

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