Tuesday, October 27, 2009

meeting women

In many parts of the world, meeting women is a difficult task. First you have to find a woman, then you have to speak to her. This becomes more difficult when women get involved, as they have a tendency to make meeting them difficult. Luckily, we1 here at the complete guide to everything have put together some tips, based on successful or successful-sounding techniques we've honed or read about or thought sounded maybe good for someone else to try over the years.

Stake them out

Like the gazelles of Africa, women are known to stalk in certain places, like libraries, clubs, trains, lingerie departments, and gyms. Sit yourself down in one of those locations, and go to work scoping. Like the lions of Africa, you're going to need to find the right one you can pick off from the herd and go for the kill.

The nice thing about finding girls at libraries is that there's almost never an easy way for them to escape a conversation. It's not like you suddenly have to go somewhere after reading for the past three hours. Have faith in yourself, and attack with confidence. You can, like me, approach one of them, get her number, then spend a very painful two hours at lunch, at which time you both bless the day it's over.

Look at them

A successful first contact always involves looking at your target. For some men, it's a flirty glance across the bar. This sometimes works, but often doesn't, because, more often than not, the woman is engrossed in some other activity, and won't notice. In order to be successful, you need to stare at her.

Women love being valued, and what's more valued than an object that gets stared at? The Mona Lisa has dozens of people staring at her all the time, and she's the most valuable woman there is. Therefore, treat the woman like any other valuable object, and keep your eyes glued. To enhance the effect, you may think about opening your mouth a little bit (women love this), and possibly letting loose some intentional drool. When has drool ever been a bad idea? When you have a delicious meal sitting in front of you, what's your first involuntary impulse? That's right, drooling.

Staring women down is almost always successful at getting her attention. One word to the wise, however. If you happen to be staring at this girl in class, and also at the same time have a sneaking suspicion you've met her before, pay attention to the subconscious mind that is sounding alarm bells, trying desperately to save you. She'll eventually approach you, call you out on your staring, and declare herself to be one of your ex-girlfriend's best friends and co-workers2. This will be awkward.

Do impressive feats

Women are bowled over by men who can do impressive things, like lift heavy objects, or distract an entire class from the purpose of the lecture. If you're ever in a position where chairs need to be folded and stored, expose your biceps, and carry three chairs per arm. The women may not come immediately, as they'll be swooning, but trust me, later on, you'll be surrounded like Bon Jovi playing for a bunch of 35 year-old singles.

You could also find a way to take a class with her. In the workplace, this might involve waiting until your office switches phone systems and advertises training on the phones, then posts signup sheets. You could then find a bootleg copy of the seating plan in the office, and thus discover the name of the temptress across the floor, then match it with the right session, and voila, you're in! Even though you have no interest in phones, you could then spend the next hour making witty jokes like, "my main problem with the old phone solution was that I didn't have anybody to talk to--does this system solve that?"

And even if she didn't laugh at that and everyone else did, remember, a woman's true feelings is betrayed by her body language, and if she's sitting facing your direction, you're golden. Even if you did purposefully sit across from her.

Approach with confidence, and careful planning

Just like they can detect via the sense of smell when you are interested, women can smell fear. They can sense when the little geek approaching them has just about reached his bladderial limit, and has a heart rate of 604. Be confident. The worst that can happen is that she totally rejects you and your genes are forever scrubbed from the gene pool. That may be the end of your line, but it's not the end of the world. Stay cool. Practice your lines in the mirror beforehand. If you're making a phone call, you could write out exactly what you're going to say, word for word, including instructions for lengths of pauses and amount of laughter3.

The key to a successful contact is a smooth line. Some smooth lines may include:

Your neck reminds me of a swan as it cuts through a glassy lake on the Minnesotan plains at the peak of mid-summer, while lilacs lace longingly in the distance.

The royal we would like to meet you and make a nonroyal us (because a royal us would just be a royal we, which is lacking the royal you).

There are many others, but I'm not going to share all of my secrets here today. Just be aware that women love being compared to birds (swans, some kinds of ducks, and penguins), celestial bodies, and a small variety of invertebrates.

Once you have her, never let her go

Literally. Cling for as long as possible. Make up excuses to walk her home. Make up excuses to bike her home. Ignore her protests when you place her on your handlebars. She needs to know you're serious from day one. The number one complaint about men is that they're afraid of commitment. Commit to her then. Show it by buying her flowers, tattoos, and possibly some nice sweaters.

If you follow these steps, you'll soon find yourself in sweet marital bliss. Or sweet felonious bliss. If she presses charges.

1. Yes, that's the royal we.
2. Note to self: memorize all girlfriends' coworker's faces, and store in memory in perpetuity.
3. Not...like...I...do...that...


Jerkolas said...

Good heavens! I've been doing it wrong, wrong, WRONG! Of course considering my current situation that should come as no surprise.

Jess said...

If CP did all those things to meet me I'd swoon, ride handlebars, and swoon even over that laugh.

drfindley said...

Thanks. Thanks for revealing all of my secrets. Like I'm ever gonna get a girl now. They are all gonna just say: "Well isn't that a CP move?" Now they'll ignore my careful stares/drools from across the room. Seriously. Love life: game over. Thanks to CP.