Friday, December 18, 2009


Who doesn't love dogs? What's not to like about Man's Best Friend? Who doesn't like their Best Friend? Dogs are great! They bark, they drool, they smell, they bark at night, they kill small children, they bite, and they eat you when you're dead. Who doesn't love dogs?

I kid, I kid. I love dogs. Some of my best friends are dawgs. I think dogs are great. G-R-E-A-T. I in no way hold a major grudge against them for that time that I finally got to talk to the cute girl down the street, and one of their species (owned by her) came and harassed me, which in no way caused me to flee screaming like a sissy little girl while said dog pursued and bit me1. No. I don't hate them forever because of that.

Dogs. Dawgs. Seriously, do you think that would bother me? Just because she never spoke to me again? Hot girl not speaking to me? Puh-lease. Happens all the time. I don't blame you for my socially awkward middle school phase. Not. In. The. Least.

Naaaaahhh, I love 'em. I've had a lot of exposure to dogs over the course of my life. Most of my exposure to dogs consists of exposure to their main product. To my best estimates, I've hauled approximately one hundred and twenty pounds2 of dog poo in my life, some of it with a stolen shovel of the neighbor's3, but most with ridiculously thin plastic that could not have possibly been adequate protection against the vileness of their feces. And yes, this is another great subject to broach in conversations. "I used to pick up poo in thin plastic baggies! How about you? Want to shake my hand?"

Why so much exposure to dog poo? Well, in some families, the mom refuses to get a dog unless the kids promise to clean up after it. Well, my mom was much too smart for that, because she knew we would never clean up after it. However, the rest of the parents on the block one-upped my mom by making their kids first promise to teach the dog to poo on the Perry's lawn. Brilliant. I think, to this day, the dog next door hasn't pooed on its own lawn.

I am thus the foremost expert on dog poo. Dog poo does amazing things. It turns grass green. It attracts flies. It migrates to my lawn. But most amazing of all, it is durable. You step in dog poo?4 Good luck getting that out of your shoe. I think sneaker designers, in a truce with carpet cleaners worldwide, specifically put in dog poo traps in order to facilitate the tracking of dog poo on floors across the nation.

I'm not only an expert on the poo end of dogs, however. You'll be happy to hear that I also managed to get a dog to pee in my shoe once. While I was wearing it5.

Dogs have other great qualities. For example, girls love dogs. Maybe if you love the same thing, she'll love you too. Right?6 That kind of logic never breaks down. Unrelatedly, I love Twilight!

Even with their expertise in poo production and corner on the market of female love, dogs are some of my favorite animals. The list of favorites probably goes like this: rubber duckies, cows, ducks, penguins, geese, basically every mammal except dogs, fictional animals like sphinxes, invertebrates, flaming scimitars, fish, flesh-eating bacteria, dogs, and mosquitoes7.

That being said, be nice to dogs, in absence of any love that I could show them. Her name was Sarah, and you took her from me!8

1. He only got my shirt, as my possibly-a-tiny-bit-panicked flight may have been faster than his. And yes, I may have been over the age of eight. Possibly over the age of twelve. Maybe fifteen. I'm done talking about it.
2. I figure twenty weeks of lawn mowing a summer, about six summers worth of mowing, and about a pound of poo a week, give or take.
3. Yeah, I don't feel bad for keeping the shovel they left on my lawn. Read on.
4. You havin' dog poo problems, I feel bad for you son; I got ninety-nine cleaners but a canine fecal matter remover ain't one. Sorry. Couldn't help it.
5. This was in Argentina, while going door to door, speaking to people about the church. Yeah, my buddy watched it, laughed, and didn't say a word until we were moving on. Thanks dude. I appreciate it. Love you too.
6. Note: I know that at least pretending to love doesn't work.
7. Cows hold a special place in my heart for their providing of cheese, milk, ice cream, butter, yogurt, and steak. And no, flesh-eating bacteria and flaming scimitars really aren't animals, but if they were, that's where they would stand.
8. I'd like to take this time to publicly thank the individual responsible for the giant mass of poo that I stepped in outside of my flat today, which is the inspiration for today's post. Thank you. No, it's cool to leave excrement in a pile where I walk. Love it.


Jerkolas said...

It's hilarious to watch someone get peed on by a dog while they are just standing there. I too have only witnessed Argentine dogs do this. I guess just like Americans, dogs in America have also become super private.

Jess said...

Link to dead people being eaten by the dog = disturbing on many levels.

Love that you "love" dogs as much as I do. I may or may not (depending if any PETA readers see this) have pumped 20 or so BBs with a gun into a dog that once trespassed on our lawn. My favorite is when people have dogs in their houses...nothing says home sweet home like a couch covered in dog hair.

LRH said...

ew. that dog news article was nasty.