Saturday, January 2, 2010

blind dates

Everyone loves blind dates. Or, at least, setting other people up on blind dates. In a stark reversal of the old adage, misery loves company, company (those who have found true love) loves misery (or the awkwardness that a blind date will surely bring).

That being said, if you've set me up on a blind date, I'm immensely grateful. You at least think that some poor sap can be duped into marrying me. This is admirable. It's also a bit sad, as the probability of getting set up is a function of age and desirability. Do you think Brad Pitt ever got set up? How about the old dude who last dated a woman in the Mesozoic era?1 I rest my case.

If you've just been set up on a blind date, don't despair. There is a set pattern that all blind dates follow. Once you know the pattern, you can find it in yourself to turn down blind dates from those you respect the most without feeling the least bit of pressure of guilt and lost opportunities.

Step A: The Greeting

You either first speak on the phone, or in the company of your friend and his beautiful wife. In either circumstance, the greeting establishes the complete lack of interest on the part of either party. This was once communicated to me by referencing a love interest in a foreign city. Most excellently done, I say.

Step B: The Small Talk

When making small talk, the object is for both parties to quickly establish the insanity of the other party. First person to do this wins. For example, you could win on a date by getting her to reference the large amount of fear she feels about an ex-boyfriend, have him show up at one point on the date, accompany her in speaking with him, then hear how she was engaged to him two weeks after the date.2 Admittedly, this is a longer process than is typical. You can usually verify psychological instability if any interest in you is shown.

Step C: The Meal

Not much to know about this. Pick a cheap non-fast-food place, and pray that you don't here discover that she is six years your senior, and deeply interested in marrying you. Now.

Step D: The Activity

At this point, your best strategy is to make the date as awkward as possible. One way you could accomplish this is to play a friendly game of Scattergories with the group of happily-dating couples. At the end of the game, when I mention how badly I lost, you could make a comment like, "that's what you get for thinking you're better than everyone else."3 This is the best way to segue into the next step.

Step E: The Awkward Goodbye

You're in the home stretch, so there's no reason to skimp on the goodbye. Walk her to the door of her home, the college housing she still inhabits despite having graduated from school several years ago, or, if you're lucky, the car with which she will drive herself home. Keep the conversation light. If you're up for a laugh, reference how much you'd like to "do it again" sometime, and watch her try and be polite whilst thoroughly horrified. This is the best part of the blind date.

Blind dates make for the best stories. Don't pass by the opportunity to see what exactly your friends think about you by seeing what discomfort they decide to inflict on you, and on your poor date!4

1. If you happen to be one of the dozens of women I've dated, I assure you this is a joke. I've dated loads and loads of women who haven't gone on to be successful mothers and grandmothers. I promise.
2. They hare happily married and have three children, last I heard.
3. Granted, it was a true statement, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. You could at least have the decency to anonymously blog about me six years later.
4. I'm leaving in one hour to go on one. Shoot me in the face.


Jess said...

You could skip steps A through D by referencing this blog post and head straight to Step E.

Unknown said...

I've got a good blind date story in which the activity was playing through co-op Halo.

The actual problem: I was too short.