Saturday, January 2, 2010


Christmas is a magical time for young and old alike.

For the old, it's a time for families to get together and discuss all of the psychological problems of the absent family members. This is magical because rarely can a family agree on what psychological deficiencies manifest themselves in the individual. Anxiety disorder? OCD? They can be so hard to differentiate. Christmas is a time of agreement.

Christmas is magical for the young because they get toys. Lots of toys. These toys possess magical properties in their own right, as toys asymptotically approach one of four primary objects: a gun, a sword, a whip, or a rock (to be thrown, of course). All toys are used in one of these four ways.

My nephew got a fake drill for Christmas. What does that become? A gun, of course.

Another nephew got one of those fake stick horses. Yeah, that'd be a sword. My stomach and ears have yet to forgive his mother.

Of course, I should add that the previous rule doesn't only apply to toys: any object will be used in one of those four ways. For example, not only does the belt on the toy gun holster become a whip, but so does the rope found on the floor. And we're all familiar with the many uses of the empty roll of wrapping paper.

I hope you had an enjoyable Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa (that's for you, Jay), Druidic Winter Solstice, or whatever holiday you happen to celebrate. And I hope the remote control mini cooper I gave my nephews survives the next year of being used as a throwing stone.

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