Friday, February 19, 2010


Cars are God's gift to mankind in order to help mankind woo womankind by taking womankind on dates that weren't accompanied by a smelly horse or even smellier public transit riders. In His Infinite Wisdom, God saw the declining birth rate of the modern era, and thought mankind could use a little bit of help.

This effort was appreciated, of course, but futile, given the rise of Nerdkind.1

Cars are blessed things. They are perhaps the best of things.2 Who doesn't like cars? What's not to love about cars? Personally, I try and take as much superfluous metal with myself whenever I travel, and cars are brilliant at that sort of thing.

It's easy to get down on cars, though, and everyone does it. They're dangerous. They emit carbon monoxide. They emit carbon dioxide. They can give the appearance, via various and sundry dents and worn upholstery, that one is supremely poor, and thus ward off that small segment of womankind that doesn't run screaming when it encounters Nerdkind. They can be horrendously designed by what could only be inebriated squirrels and given the name of Prius.

Just like it's easy to hate on donuts when you're packing down the Krispy Kreme, though, it's easy to hate on cars when you have one.

I'll admit, I used to be distracted by cars' poorer qualities. Road rage would, ever so often, rear its ugly head in my blessed little Genny. I'd wonder why people were so wasteful in their transportational habits.

I thus fell in love with the idea of trains, and worshipped the track they ran on. I blessed them and their energy-efficient ways. "Public transit", I thought, "who couldn't fall in love with something so glorious and grand, so efficient?"

However, after further inspection of the pros and cons of public transit and automobiles, I am forced to admit: cars are pretty sweet. For example:

  • Cars don't take 24 hours to cross Nevada3
  • You never have to stand up in a car
  • Better, you never have to stand up in a car while a very large Russian with his back to you slowly edges you into a corner, until you have no choice but to plaster yourself, putty like, into any nook you can get before his large rear touches your stomach
  • Cars allow you to move your groceries from point A to point B without standing on a crowded bus, desperately trying to not appear like your hand is about to be sawed off by the plastic bag with your three (3) cartons of orange juice4
  • Cars don't force you down a crowded underground railway carriage until you're straddling the gargantuan legs of a creepy old man who refuses to sit up straight
  • Cars also don't take the time, over the next ten stops, to repeatedly caress your inner thigh with their foot, every so often glancing up from their newspaper5
  • Cars aren't fetid waste receptacles for every wretched disease on the face of the planet

If you dislike cars, I strongly recommend you reconsider your position before you find yourself in the grasp of a very creepy old man.6 Drive happy.

1. I'm anxiously anticipating some future rise of BlindAndEasilyImpressedKind in order to help me take the plunge.
2. As long as the list of "things" only includes methods of transportation, of which, cars are naturally the finest. Including donuts or burritos in that list of things would relegate cars to third.
3. No, I don't want to talk about that train ride.
4. How could I have been so stupid as to buy so much liquid!!
5. I cannot begin to describe the creepiness, or the utter despair I felt, penned in on either side.
6. This footnote is entirely for Mr. Guenon, who made fun of my footnoting. The appearance of this footnote next to a reference of a creepy old man is entirely coincidental.

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