Wednesday, February 24, 2010

palo alto

Many people don't know this, but back in the day, with that whole forbidden fruit thing, when Adam and Eve were ejected from the Garden of Eden, they were actually booted off of the San Francisco Bay Peninsula. Or, to be precise, they had to leave Palo Alto. Many alternate locations for said Garden of Eden have been proposed throughout the history of humanity, but these are all false and wicked traditions of our fathers.

There are a few reasons to accept this fact. Firstly, we all know Palo Alto used to be populated with orchards, which, as we all know, contain fruit, and given the level of pesticides in the ground detected via modern methods, we can logically assume some of that fruit was forbidden.

Secondly, Eden is actually Hebrew for "small enclave of rectitude in a corrupt sea of a poorly-governed, fiscally-insolvent state, which also contains very odd park names". One has to look no further than Donaldina M. Cameron Park in order to see the connection.

Thirdly, we read in Genesis 3:24:

"So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life."

Why not place some protection at the north of Eden? Or the south? Or the west? Because, obviously, it wasn't necessary, because it was sitting on a peninsula on the western coast of the North American landmass. This truth should be self evident.

Lastly, and most convincingly, Palo Alto is paradise by any definition.

Hence, we can logically conclude that Palo Alto is the former location of the Garden of Eden.

This isn't the only reason to love Palo Alto. There is plenty of goodness for the whole family:

Paxti's: Seriously, can you get a better Chicago-style pizza? I submit that you can not.

Counter Burger: Celestialized meat from Eden itself is here presented in mouth-wateringness.

La Bamba: Though technically not in Palo Alto, this, again, is due to more wickedness of our forefathers. La Bamba is the best burrito place in the entire multi-verse, known or unknown.

Foothills Park: Who doesn't love a park that carries a 40-year grudge against the neighboring towns that refused to cough up money to purchase the land, and thus refuses entry to any non-Palo Altan?

Air Conditioning: What is that? Who needs air conditioning when you live in 70 FREAKING DEGREE WEATHER?! Booyah.

3 (count 'em) International Airports within 40 minutes: Need I say more?

Mountains: Though they'd be called foothills if they were near the Rockies, the Santa Cruz mountain range is next door, and offers plenty of recreation in the form of hikes that don't really have destinations. Except Berry Creek Falls, which takes you to what, on a good day, could be described as a leaky faucet tumbling down an exposed sheer rock face two yards high.

Amazing City Governance: This is the city that is so well-managed, and has so much money, they spent a million bucks1 trying to figure out the "color" of Palo Alto, by hiring an "artist" to take pictures of every home in the city, and draping them up on city hall. Compare that to East Palo Alto, which recently had a huge influx in money and was able to buy its Police force (a lone retired German Shepherd) a broken coffee maker.2

The Best People Money Can Buy: And believe me, they pay through the nose to live here.3

Palo Alto rocks.4 I love it with all of my cold, Frostee-laden heart.

1. I made this number up. Who needs to research things when you're writing for a fictitious publication available solely online in blog format? Investigative journalism? Meh.
2. I keeed, I keeed, I love you EPA.
3. I say here, because I'm moving back in a couple months. That's sort of the point of this post. I love you all!
4. Don't get jealous London, you rock too. I'll talk about you sometime soon.


MommaMcCarthy said...

But... Won't you be in the SECOND ward???!!!!

Hehe ;)

cool! What brings you back? Better teeth?

chris said...


welllllll, before I left I was going to the spanish ward (redwood city II). I'm going to see what I can do about sneaking in back up there...

and work is transferring me back. I thought they'd want me over here longer, but it looks like they want me back in good ol' palo alto.

Jess said...

Now you can finally take this Berry to Berry Creek Falls!!!

Who knew that a blog post could make a girl giddy?!!

Nettie said...

Mwah ha ha! He returns! BTW, I'm moving to a new apartment this month which has a gate, requiring visitors to buzz in asking for entrance. All I could think was, "Chris is going to hate me for this when he comes back."

Laura said...

Really? When?

Unknown said...

This might be the best news I've had all week! Maybe even all month!

Adam Wilson said...

Hilarious--even more than usual. I haven't laughed so hard since I learned what a busstle is. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Sophia said...

I think I've found the perfect name for our first girl: Donaldina Shoemaker.

bek said...

and this whole time i thought salt lake city was the garden of eden...oh blast, you mean i live in the lone and dreary wilderness?

chris said...

I don't know if you guys even watch this, but...

laura--early may, I think. we shall see.

and adam, don't you mean a buttress? :)

Anonymous said...

You're coming back? What a splendid relief! Palo Alto is a radical place, this cannot be denied.