Saturday, February 13, 2010

valentine's day

A lot of people think Valentine's Day was invented by the mob in order to increase their sales of booze to über-depressed people.

Actually, you may be surprised to hear that's not true. I'm the only person who thinks that.

Valentine's day is the one constant in a string of holidays that may or may not produce awkwardness. Christmas or Thanksgiving are sometimes weird, but Valentine's is always guaranteed to be bad.

You can ask that special someone out on a date on Valentine's Day, and deal with the awkwardness of trying to manage romantic expectations, or you can hole yourself up in your studio flat and drink Fanta until you pass out or wet your pants in shame.1

Some people like Valentine's Day. Those people are called Engaged People. Or possibly Single People with Self-Pitying Masochist Tendencies. I think everyone else is on the Anti side though.

Sarcasm aside, I did have one really fantastic Valentine's Day once. I bought her a dozen red roses, chocolate, and wrote a very bad poem on a funny card.

She gave me a tic-tac after dinner. It was a very reciprocative relationship.

The converse of Valentine's Day is what some especially-depressed people like to call Singles Awareness Day, because the acronym has the nice effect of making them look even more pathetic. Hey, I can't find a mate, and I'm SAD about it! Pity me!

No, I kid, I kid. I love my single brethren. But not like that, of course. I'm on my way out to attend one of these SAD parties now,2 and I couldn't be happier about it. Going to a Singles Awareness Day party is like going to a networking event for unemployed people. "Hey, these dudes can't find a job on their own, so let's put them all in a room and see if they hire each other!"

I'm hoping some ex-Googler will be there tonight, but I've got a feeling they've got other offers. This will probably end up being one of those male-bonding experiences.

Everyone else: enjoy your smoochies this weekend! Kiss your wife for me!3

1. For the record, I have never done the latter. If anything, it has been in pride.4
2. Attending one SAD party: Sad. Attending ten: Increasingly humorous.
3. The mark of a true friend: he won't bat an eye and call you psycho insane when you say this.
4. Totally joking! Do you think I would admit that? Of course not! Even if I had done such a thing, I would probably make some silly statement insinuating I had, then say it was a joke, just so you all knew that there was absolutely no way I had done that. Hmmmmm...

2 comments:

Jess said...

Haha...best line of the whole post:

Going to a Singles Awareness Day party is like going to a networking event for unemployed people.

Be my valentine?

Jerkolas said...

Most awkward Valentine Day moment for me? When my then girlfriend failed to remember that we had all ready had 1 V-Day together in which I made her a hand made gift, took her to dinner, and bought her chocolates. Needless to say, I didn't try very hard after that. And somehow it didn't work out?