Thursday, March 11, 2010

locker rooms

As perhaps not everyone has had the chance to experience a gym locker room, I feel it a necessity to describe some of the rules and behaviors you should follow while in one.

First off, spend as much time as possible in the locker room. There is a limited amount of space, and it's a very busy gym, but you should ignore these factors, and take your sweet time. More people in the locker room makes life even more joyful, as we all try to avoid bumping in to each other while putting on our pants. You could lengthen the amount of time you spend in the locker room by making phone calls. I, for one, love listening to phone conversations, especially while I'm trying to avoid all human contact. You can heighten the wonderfulness of the occasion by making these phone calls while naked.

Speaking of your birthday suit, stand around naked as much as possible. The human male is not the most disgusting image on the face of the planet,1 so please let us bask in your hairiness. Speak to others while directly facing them, causing untold degrees of awkwardness. Do menial tasks that could easily be done fully clothed, like eating. Sit down on the common benches. This does not then require them to be incinerated to be rid of all of that involuntary-shuddering disgustingness.

Also, the common benches are there for your personal use. Spread your items out as much as possible along the bench. Leave stuff there while you go outside to smoke. Make me change, huddled in the corner, crying, trying to avoid being touched, all while my clothes lie in piled heaps on the ground, as I try and keep them from touching any vile wretchedness that can be found.

Offer people sandwiches.2 This is kind. Let me tell you, there is nothing like working out, getting sweaty, and entering a locker room full of smelly naked men that gives you a ravishing appetite for strange food.

Pick a locker right next to me. There is a room full of lockers, but don't let that dissuade you from finding the locker right next to me. Better yet, magically time it so that when I return from the gym, you and your buddy have lockers right next to mine, and collectively block any access with your sweaty hairy naked selves.

Even even better, pick the shower next to me. You have a room full of showers. There are seven of them. I am in the corner shower, as far away from others' nakedness as a man can get. Please, violate this sacred corner of my world, and come shower right next to me. Not only are the shower stalls see-through, and thereby awkward, but I also get the occasional splash from your washing. This is a most wonderful sensation, and in no way causes me to desire to puke.

I hope your time in the locker room is filled with joy and pleasure.3

1. Though this is sarcastic, I realize there are those who disagree with me. I'm not trying to make any lifestyle judgments, so let me just declare that we can agree to disagree.
2. I still don't know why the dude last night offered me one, but it was strange. Certainly, he is a kind man, but still.
3. Yes, I realize I have personal space issues.

1 comment:

berryp said...

Poor quality but funny; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqFsSQI4sMI