Sunday, May 23, 2010


Few people realize that the group most discriminated against in our society are those poor souls who have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and I wanted to take a few moments and help you understand their terrible plight in life.

Surveys indicate about one third of Americans suffer from ADD. These surveys have mostly been conducted by myself and consisted entirely of my roommates this week, but the difficult truths made plain by these number should not be ignored by society at large.

ADD is often misdiagnosed by many mothers as simply an inability to "sit and practice you damn kid". Given a variety of traumatic experiences in their youth, individuals with ADD may shy away from doctors or psychologists or orthodontists who, disobeying any sense of decency and knowledge of teeth, force a child to wear braces on two separate occasions during his life, and thus relegate him to nerd and singledom forever.1

If this is the case, it's important that the individual first toilet paper that orthodontist's house, and second, self-diagnose themselves with ADD by the tried-and-tested method of repeating the "fact" that they have ADD to their friends enough times that it becomes true, simply by personal fiat.2

People with ADD have a very rough life. You should pity them greatly. While the rest of you are calmly listening to the speakers in church, those unenviable creatures can focus for a grand total of five minutes, after which they find themselves hovering in a helicopter in the grand canyon. Suddenly, they notice a suicidal rock climber jumping from the canyon wall above! Turning to their beautiful wife operating the flying machine, they scowl and say, "don't worry, honey, nobody's dying on my watch!" They strap on an extra parachute, and catapult from the open chopper door, intercepting the fall of the jumper, and, with milliseconds to spare, latch on to the jumper with all limbs, barely containing the g-forces that would strip the body away and send it to its death in the choppy waters below as they pull the ripcord and float to safety.3

Instead of floating to safety, however, they are stuck listening to you talk. This is disconcerting for people afflicted with ADD, because, somewhere in the back of their mind, they still think their beautiful wife is waiting with a helicopter to transport them to the Daily Show where they will be interviewed as a hero. And you are still talking. This could be at work, at school, at church, on a date, at the opera, at a play, in a movie, or pretty much anywhere in our society. Please, Jon Stewart awaits. You are still talking. Please have pity on sufferers of ADD.

Gettysburg Address: one of the most profoundly meaningful and exquisitely beautiful addresses in the entirety of the English language, runs about five minutes. I'm just saying is all.

If you're teaching a class, and you think you can go a minute or two over and nobody will mind, I want you to envision being beaten by drunk porcupines with a metal cactus, because that is approximately what it feels like to be stuck waiting for a teacher to finish up after the time allotment has finished. I can't tell you how many cacti scars I have from my time as a student.

There is, however, hope in all of this madness. One person has done more for suffers of ADD than anybody else on this planet. That man is the Honorable Steven Paul Jobs, BOATAGOAT.4 There isn't enough gold on this planet to make enough medals for this man.

When you see someone engaged with one of his devices, don't judge them. Don't call them wicked. They have real problems. They have a real inability to focus on anything and everything, but mostly an inability to listen to contentless dribble. They need their toy. Don't deprive them of that.

1. He had some sort of theory that putting braces on my baby teeth would cause my second set of teeth to grow in correctly. No, that's not what happened, Mr. Orthodontist. I just got two sets of crooked teeth, and two years of braces with little rubber bands. Thanks a lot you jerk. Also: though it would seem reasonable to expect skimpy rubber bands to alter my bone structure such that my jaw moved forward, it just made me move my jaw forward when biting in your office. How I tricked you into believing you fixed that, I'll never know. Good work there, monkey face.
2. Not to be confused with a personal Fiat, which would be even more unreliable. Zing!
3. I did, in fact, have this daydream today. It was a particularly long talk.
4. Bringer of all things amazing, grantor of all technology.


Thamina said...

Love it! Captures church today for me!

kt said...

I'll pretend it wasn't my sunday school class that you're referring to.


chris said...

your sunday school classes are a bright light in the dark realm of coma-inducing lessons, a veritable shining beacon of brilliance among lesser peers.

no, I was not referencing you. however, in interest of not getting mugged, I shall refrain from naming perpetrators.

drfindley said...

I know exactly what you mean and I broke out my iPad.

I have an issue everytime a meeting goes over. I'm completely tuned out. That's why I love conference and fixed broadcast schedules.

Kimball said...

(ironically) TL;DR