Sunday, May 16, 2010


Emails are the absolute best invention in the world for those of us who are incapable of having non-awkward conversations.

Take, for instance, my conversation with a woman this morning, wherein she assumed I was accusing her of being pretentious. All of that heavy digging I engaged in after the fact could have been avoided had we only ever communicated via email. She would have known that I didn't actually mean to accuse her of name dropping, because I would have written, "I like how you HAD to mention you worked for a senator, lol, ha ha, tee hee, hardy har har"1, instead of saying "I like how you HAD to mention you worked for a senator", with a very deadpan delivery, which was met with a thoroughly indignant stare.

Emails are such glorious things. Let's say you don't want to talk to someone. Instead of using the super secret send-a-direct-voicemail like my buddy does to avoid talking to people, yet still give them the impression that he "tried" to call them, you can just write whatever it is you wanted to say, and kerchow! You're free! No speaking necessary! Human contact avoided! Success! Everyone wins!

Speaking of everyone, everyone wants to hear that joke you thought of when your buddy emailed six million people about his wedding. So reply to them all! Do it! You know you want to! Reply all to someone else's reply all! We all think you're funny and witty! Reply all to their reply alls, and complain about the usage of reply all! That's brilliant! We're not resisting the urge to punch ourselves in the face!2 Also, write lots of sentences with exclamation points!3

Emails are also great for waging psychological warfare on your coworkers. One great way to get me to hate you for now and forever and wish a thousand poxes upon you and your children and your children's children unto the third and fourth generation is to send me an email marked high priority. That's pretty much telling me that I'm incapable of prioritizing things on my own, and I need my mother at work nagging me to take care of the "important" work first. Well, let me tell you, I don't want to hear my mom chatting me up about my email workload, and I definitely don't even want to think about practicing the piano for her while I'm reading your email.

I can hear it now. Tap-eh-tay-tee, tap-eh-tay-tee, KEEP YOUR FINGERS UP, tap-eh-tay-tee, tap-eh-tay-tee!

You can do one better, and send me no fewer than ten (10) high priority emails over the course of a week, while sending me all of two (2) normal priority emails. This in no way causes me to wish to beat your head in with a dead iguana.

Look, I'll decide whose email is high priority. Stop pretending that clicking that little flag is going to change my mind. You're at the bottom of the queue. DELETED.

Of course, I can make passive-aggressive posts like this until the cows come home, but honestly, none of this really bothers me that much, because I don't even read email! At best, I skim! Why? Because it's boring! I don't read novels at home, and I'm certainly not going to do it at work, when I could get paid to hop on Twitter instead.4

Sadly, email isn't the solution to all of your problems. You, for instance, still have acne. Also, for reasons that I cannot fathom, women are furious at the mere prospect of getting asked out by email. These are the same women who complain about not getting asked out enough. You'd think that they'd want to lower the barriers to getting asked out, but no, they want to hitch up those walls. ONLY PHONE CALLS OR YOU WILL BE A PARIAH FOREVER. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I MADE. AND PLEASE, FORGIVE ME BLESSED PARADISIACAL VIXEN. MY CAPS LOCK JUST FLIPPED ON AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP IT THAT WAY SO I LOOKED LIKE YOUR AUNT FORWARDING YOU AN EMAIL CALLING BARACK OBAMA THE PIED PIPER OF PERNICIOUS PEOPLE-EATING PROGRESSIVISM.

Lastly, the best way to encourage general hatred of yourself is to email very strange things to a list with a very wide circulation. I've been doing this for the past five years, and finally decided that I wasn't being prideful and self-promoting enough, so, in order to further myself down the path of complete self-centeredness, I have started posting these here. Read for ideas on how to alienate yourself from all female life.

Emails have the ability to change your life for the better, and everyone else's life for the worst. With great power comes great responsibility. Use it wisely.

And please send this marked high priority to everyone you know.

1. This is, obviously, entirely facetious, because I believe using the holy phrase lol in reference to one of your own sentences is breaking a very severe commandment. Please, stop. It's like laughing at your own joke except stranger to the tenth power. Not that I have anything against laughing at MY own jokes...
2. I'm normally only moderately hypocritical, but this is obscenely so. Anybody in my contacts lists knows I abuse reply-all with the passion of a writhing iguana. I'm sorry. At least I recognize my sins.
3. That makes you sound so much more enthusiastic than you really are! That's my secret to have completely changed my digital image! Usually I couldn't rustle up the enthusiasm of stoned iguana toenails, but putting in an exclamation points makes me sound like a veritable cheerleader! Yes!
4. Employers/future employers: I am obviously lying in order to make this post seem hilarious. Please. I am a very conscientious individual, and I take email communications very seriously, and if ever I am able to read a single paragraph without violently transmogrifying into a coma-bound iguana, I will read that paragraph. With gusto. And then I will eat a twinkie. With more gusto.


Jess said...

Your best footnote ever..."And then I will eat a twinkie. With more gusto."

So I suppose I'll stop reading your emails and wait to see cozy pig show up on my phone...

jeremiah said...

And don't forget you can use more than one exclamation point!!!!!

drfindley said...

If I get an email without any personal connection (aka, that hot girl I emailed and she finally emailed me back!) or a work related email, I'm lucky to make it past the first few sentences.

I've been known to completely bring the wrong thing or show up late to events *just* because the email was too long.

If it won't fit in a tweet, why read it?

Unknown said...

You evidently weren't in Blighty long enough to have come across our use of the phrase "chatting up". Or at least I hope that's not how you meant it!

megan said...

This may be my most favorite "guide" yet. I'm so tempted to send it to my exclamation point-obsessed-anti-pied-piper-contacts.

All those iguana references...