Sunday, June 20, 2010

the bachelorette

Granted, I've never watched this show in my life,1 but I've seen so many news articles and status updates on it that I consider myself the world's foremost bachelorette expert. Of course, I'm pretty sure I consider myself an expert on every subject ever, including things I know nothing about, nor have any experience with, like second dates, but let us forge ahead and try and ignore that for now.

While most TV shows these days seek to get you to believe one or two unlikelihoods (the fact that Hugh Laurie, with that accent, isn't actually American, or that forensic analysis takes nanoseconds), the bachelorette contains two fundamentally impossible leaps of faith. The plot is this: an inconceivably attractive woman finds herself in an equally inconceivable situation: that of being in want of a man.2

Putting aside the fact that she probably hasn't gone for three full seconds in her life without getting a phone call from a sweating suitor, she seems to need a gaggle of six pack packing swimsuit models in order to find her true love.

These suspiciously attractive individuals then each take turns smooching in order to showcase the depth of their superficial sincerity and profundity of their attraction.3

This is, of course, a recipe for pure unfettered success on a TV show. Who doesn't want to woo a beautiful woman? And one that is forced to choose one man of twenty five? That significantly ups my odds from one in six billion! I'd finally be more likely to get a date than be hit by a rogue asteroid! Sign me up! Would that women would take my wooing seriously!

Of course, I shouldn't really make those sorts of statements, nor even write this post, because this will instigate another round of emails from my family members and close friends, reminding me that I myself am way too shallow. Apparently, hitting your late twenties without any recent girlfriends to speak of renders you "superficial".

This is, of course, preposterous. Me, superficial? I can assure you that nobody on this planet has a deeper desire to appear to desire depth of character than myself.4 And am I too picky when it comes to selecting a mate? Pffff. Hardly. The idea is laughable.

Is it my fault that she's a bad speller?

Can I be held accountable for her dislike of The Emperor's New Groove?

Am I the one who refused to eat a perfectly good burger?

And don't blame me if her parents decided to name her something derived from Chris.5

Of course, any of these reasons sound bad when taken out of context, which is why I've spent the past week with various and sundry family members trying to fill them in on context so they can stop blaming me for not calling women back.

And let me tell you, I wasn't that successful. Apparently "being a father" is "great", and "having a family" is the "best thing ever". Therefore, I should stop "wasting [my] life and do something with [myself]" and get married.

Which is why I'd like to formally propose to the current vivaciously vixonian bachelorette, Ali Fetoohardtospell. As long as she doesn't clip her toenails on the carpet. Because that is unacceptable, no matter how unbelievably gorgeous you are.

1. Ahem, well, I at least claim to never have seen it...
2. For any of you inconceivably attractive women reading this, I want to point out that I just used two colons in a sentence, and correctly, I think? I bet the rustic-looking jeans model you're dating couldn't do that! This warrants another celebratory six pack-deterring round of ice cream tonight.
3. I actually have no idea what they do, and am extrapolating entirely from the one or two trailers I've seen. However, if said bachelorette ever does get forced into reading this, I just want to point out how only a supremely amazing man can work the word extrapolate seamlessly into a post.
4. Lies. I was beaten today by one man who announced to a crowd of singles during a church talk, "I don't think this is T.S. Eliot's best poetry in terms of language and imagery". Well played, poetry dude, well played. I'm going to be using that line for many first dates to come.
5. These are all actual previously-cited reasons for non-pursuit. I need a therapist. I mean, for psychological care, not to date, because I have very strong opinions on occupational choices as well. And politics. And sports teams. And music tastes. And...


Adam Wilson said...

Chris Perry, you are the funniest man alive.

Jerkolas said...

As a fellow single, late 20's man let me just say that being superficial is entirely underrated.

And I completely understand what you mean about things being taken out of context. Yesterday I found out that some people completely misunderstood a story I told and thought that I broke up with a girl because she wasn't as awesome as "The Magnificent Seven". Granted "The Magnificent Seven" is awesome, but thats not why we are not still dating.

Unknown said...

I can't believe you are mocking my favorite show. Good thing I don't have a carpet. Grrrr.