Sunday, July 4, 2010

independence day

Independence Day is the day in which Americans celebrate throwing off a tyrannical despotic regime that taxed America less than Britain. These celebrations typically center around acts intended to annoy one's neighbors.

The annoying acts commonly consist of holier-than-thou displays of patriotism, coupled with the explosion of perfectly good fireworks at any hour of the evening.

The level of patriotism of an individual can be gauged by the arsenal of fireworks accumulated for the Fourth of July. The bigger the arsenal, the more patriotic. In fact, even more patriotic individuals will store up an arsenal of a variety of illegal fireworks, eager to display love for one's country by ignoring its laws and eliciting hatred from one's neighbors.

And the MOST patriotic individuals will ensure these fireworks are the loudest, most annoying fireworks on the face of God's green earth, and will explode said fireworks twenty yards from the open window of one Chris Perry, and will do this every night for the two weeks leading up to the holiday, causing him several heart attacks and wettings of pants as he is woken up to the sound of explosions and flashes of light at unholy hours.

I'm really looking forward to the end of this holiday. But happy Independence Day anyways. And British friends, happy losing some of your colonies day.

Independence Day is also the name of a film of which I remember nothing, save that Dave Barry referred to the President as President Weenie, which thing I have never forgotten, nor have stopped laughing at.

2 comments:

jeremiah said...

I'm trying to decide which is more repulsive, "opening the kimono" or Chris Perry wetting his pants. Perhaps they are both overshadowed by Chris Perry trying to avoid contact between his bum and his naughty shower curtain.

Chris said...

Independence day is an awesome movie. Just watched it tonight. The president is a weenie, it's true.