Monday, August 2, 2010


One of my earliest memories as a child is attending a Sunday School class where the teacher declared that everything on earth was created by God. As I recall, I immediately objected to this statement, and provided the obvious counterexample of garbage cans.1

I can't quite recall the teacher's response beyond the retort that yes, God did create garbage cans, but I do recall my laughter after her insistence of said fact, and how I considered it absolutely ridiculous to think such things. In my later years, I've come to the realization that, independent of His hand in the creation of garbage cans, God was likely the only thing that saved me from an early death at her annoyed hands.

If I had some time to think about it, I can only assume I'd have been able to come up with a slightly better list of counterexamples; things that not only weren't divinely created, but were obviously spawns of Satan. Things like car horns. Or people who sweat on gym equipment before you and don't wipe it down. Or the entire state of Nevada. Or accordions.

Not that I have anything against accordions per se, solely any noise that they emit. Like the noises that my Hispanic neighbors blast into my open window during Sunday afternoon nap time. I suppose this is partially my fault, as just the other day I verbally declared my support of a more open immigration policy to my cousin, whereupon she accused me of being pro because I didn't have to deal with the consequences. I don't know of any consequences that really bother me beyond my sleep disruption, but I'm willing to reconsider my stance on national policy based on nap time alone.

Accordians aside, I'm afraid I'll have to continue to disagree with the creationists on the garbage can front, but regardless or irregardless of your position on creationism, Spaghettiism, evolution, or immigration, I think there is one eternal truth we can all get behind:

On the eighth day, God created earplugs.

Clearly such an item as the common ear plug could not have evolved from earlier organisms. Half-formed ear plugs, otherwise known as pen caps, are useless, unless they happen to be an ideal shape for removing excess ear wax from one's ears,2 in which case, maybe they did, in fact, evolve.

Earplugs allow you to go on campouts with the rest of humanity, where the rest of humanity is defined by: people who have no clue that nobody can sleep when they are talking and laughing loudly in the next tent. They allow you to sleep when the yappy dog next door wakes up. They allow you to sleep when the yappy dog fights the feral cat, even when said sleep was just interrupted by the initiation of their fight outside your window, leading to a few uncomfortable moments of near-panic and bed-wetting on your part.

With that in mind, I propose a compromise to the Senate: open the immigratory doors, and provide norteño-muting earplugs free to all. I think we'll all be able get along much better at that point. The Hispanics can come do the jobs we don't want, and everyone else can avoid the music that never should have been invented. Everybody wins.

And now, having solved yet another one of this nation's problems, sweet earplugged nap time, with a slight twinge of Los Norteños in the background.

1. Choosing garbage cans, of course, because they were obviously made at some sort of factory somewhere (probably New Jersey or some other filthy slum) by underpaid child laborers. This experience also provides some evidence on the nature side of the argument as to why I am endlessly annoying (as opposed to the nurture that I usually blame).
2. I feel obliged to warn you against using unapproved items to clean wax from your ears, lest you injure yourself, and end up asking your physician father to investigate your "earache", and have him declare, confused as to how exactly something so bizarre could have happened, that it appears "something has scratched your ear". I claimed ignorance at the time, not having the heart to disappoint him by informing him that my abject stupidity was the cause of said blood-letting.


Layne said...

Oh, don't get me started on Nevada, the February of states.

Amy said...

I'm all for surgically removing Nevada. I also like earplugs because they enable my delicate sleeper of a husband to turn the ridiculously loud fan (white noise) down a notch.

megan said...

One of my family's favorite lines:
"Welcome to Heaven, here's your harp. Welcome to Hell, here's your accordion."

Martin Filson said...

Perhaps this physician father of yours just appeared to be confused to avoid calling you a moron.