Monday, September 6, 2010

the sick day

I don't know about you, but I sure do love getting sick. It's probably one of my favorite things in life, behind calling women who want nothing to do with me and playing sports with dudes who believe, correctly, that giving you the ball would be a sin against all that is just and holy in this world.

When I first got into the working world, I was a little afraid because I noticed the invention of that blissful concept: the sick day. Now, back in my school days, I got pretty adept at gnawing away at my ears and pounding my head on the desk in order to avoid the sound of the dude sniffing next to me all day long. I was worried that since we, as a human race, went to the trouble of creating an entire day, naming it "sick day", and gave you the opportunity to stay at home, keeping your malicious germs far away from my delicate nostrils, all while being fully compensated for any work you might have done, that I would never hear the sound of incessant coughing ever again.1

Luckily, I was wrong.

People use the following decision tree when determining whether or not they should take a sick day:


This makes sense, because you don't want to waste a day feeling miserable on anything other than work.

Aside from combining all of your miserableness into one day, the other great thing about going into the office sick is that you can make your annoying coworkers sick. Did they make you work late on a Friday? Did they spend the entire week complaining about how they might get sick, daintily washing their hands every hour and refusing to speak with you in any context, while you slaved away for the man in supreme agony and pain, desperate to do your duty for the team? Did they call you about work while you were sedated and in labor?2

I think they deserve a few coughs in their general direction.3

Of course, if you were to ignore this advice and stay home while sick, just know that all of your coworkers think you're secretly interviewing. So you might as well be interviewing.

Let us now take a minute of silence to mourn those who have gotten sick while on vacation, the most cursed of all combinations. Someday I'd like to work for a company that allows you to count sick vacation days as sick days, because otherwise that's just cruel.

1. At this point, some of you may be trying to provide the counterexample of someday hearing my children coughing all day long, but I would like to reiterate the "not wanting anything to do with me" aspect of women I know. I've come to the realization that I've evolved perfectly in every way, except that I am only ever attracted to women who find me utterly repulsive. It's a hard and fast law.
2. No amount of apologizing can grant me forgiveness for that act. Though she technically hasn't come around trying to infect me, I wouldn't blame her for it.
3. To my coworkers who all came into work sick last week, I just want to say that yes, I just made fun of your misfortune, and, once again, successfully, argued that the world revolves around me.

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