Saturday, November 27, 2010

crazy people

One of the more depressing things about modern society is its insistence on allowing perfectly insane people to walk free in the streets. Even worse is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to peg who exactly is insane in this fast-paced modern world of ours.

With that in mind, I would like to assist you, the reader, in determining whether or not any individual in close proximity is completely bonkers.

Without further ado, the ever-expanding list1 of ways in which craziness might manifest itself:

One easy obvious warning signal that someone is crazy is the fact that they talk to strangers. Now this might seem fairly innocuous to the casual observer, but please note where the crazy person is talking to strangers. Note that this crazy person, a female, is currently talking to strangers on the tube, wherein no talking is meant to take place, given the abject hellish misery of the place. Now note that this girl is holding a broom, and attempting to sweep your feet. Now note that this girl is holding a broom, sweeping your feet, and talking to the man opposite you, soliciting a song from him.

Now, this situation appears to be cut-and-dried, given the first injunction against speaking, but wait for it to develop further, and you'll realize that the man opposite you is also committably insane, as he accepts her offer, takes the broom, insists it is a microphone, claims he can't find any buttons on said microphone, and begins singing a Welsh hymn at the top of his lungs into said broomophone, while said girl claps and dances next to him.

There are few moments in my life I would want on tape more than that confluence of crazies I found on Thursday night, and it is to my everlasting shame that I neglected to record it.

Speaking of not speaking to people, another way you can peg yourself as crazy is to harass the poor American at the building's front desk, who is deliriously trying to get the clerk to send a fax to the United States so he is able to actually live in a place, and you can insist he come out with you and your friends, and continue that insistence louder and louder, eventually resorting to trying to convince said American (his statal origin previously ascertained), that you can "do polygamy!"

Not only is this possibly the most insulting thing ever spoken by a stranger to said American, BUT YOU ARE FREAKING CRAZY AND DRUNK AND GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WACK JOB.

This naturally brings up the subject of fax machines in general. If you are using one, you are nuts. Wacko. Insane. Deranged.

Rule: if you insist on your clients using a technology that was superseded by something a) cheaper, b) faster, c) less expensive, and d) easier 40 YEARS AGO, you are certifiably psychotic.

For example, how many people do you see still insisting on reading books? Oh. Wait.

Speaking of outdated technology, you are also a raving lunatic if you insist on using your Blackberry to check emails in the gym locker room. Let's say you just happened to get the locker right next to the dude with personal space issues, and let's say you just happen to be using that locker when he returns from his workout.2 One way in which you could convince him of your insanity is to insist on standing next to him while he changes, thumbing through your emails.




It takes you all of five minutes to change and get outside. What, I pray, I plead, could possibly be so important that it cannot wait five minutes for a response? What? Seriously, what? It takes more than five minutes to have a thermonuclear war. There is nothing on God's green earth that is so important that you need to respond while I am naked next to you. The experience is unpleasant as it is, so could you please stop being crazy and get out of there as soon as possible just like every other normal person in the gym?

And once you get outside of the gym, if you still insist on using that Blackberry, something I've noticed that is cool is to speedwalk past someone, then stop and block their path as you check email. Make them walk around you. Then speedwalk again and pass them. Then stop and check email and make them walk past you. This is in no way the most annoying behavior on the planet, and in no way indicates you are a lunatic.

And why are you you using a Blackberry anyway? Dude, 1999 called and it wants its technology back. Do you want to upgrade to a Motorola RAZR while you're at it? Maybe I can find you a nice phonograph to go along with your historical technology collection.

Lastly, and I only mention this because I've been listening to it for a half hour, but if you're in the construction business, one thing I've found that makes me want to kill myself is automatic fans that turn on when you hit the light switch, then stay interminably on after you turn it off. Normally sadistic builders only install those sorts of things in bathrooms, but maybe you could put one in the kitchen as well. THE KITCHEN. Why does my kitchen sound like a wind tunnel? I couldn't tell you. It doesn't make sense.3 This is one of the definitions of insanity.

And a quick note for you sane people: when you're in a position that might force you to deal with crazies, remember to look at the ground, mumble responses to any question they ask you, and whatever you do, whatever you do, no, seriously, WHATEVER YOU DO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD, do not make eye contact under any condition.4

1. I herein reserve the right to add to this list as conditions arise.
2. It doesn't matter what gym I use, what locker I choose, or what hemisphere I'm in. No matter what, every time I come in from working out, there's at least one dude using a locker immediately next to mine.
3. In the flat's defense, however, it's super sweet otherwise. A great temporary residence in Londontowne.
4. I feel obligated to here mention that I consider myself just as crazy as the best of them. I just hide it better.

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