Friday, November 26, 2010

moving (part deux)

Moving is one of the most rewarding things a young man with the world at his fingertips can do.1

As not all of you, including the author, are young men, why don't you take a few tips from an old pro?

First of all, you need to time your moves to take advantage of the best climates. To take a random example, you could, for instance, spend your summer in a sunny paradise, then, instead of remaining in said sunny paradise for the duration of "winter",2 you could decide to move to the functional equivalent of the north pole, where it has taken you somewhere near 96 hours to see the faintest hint of what could be called "blue" in the sky. Because this is the exact opposite of what sensible people do. Because this doesn't freeze your miserable tail every morning when you attempt to waddle into work, you could do this for two winters in a row. But, no worries, you'll at least see the sun every time you get on a plane.3

Secondly, moving often also allows you to choose the correct landlords. Let's say you're tired of landlords that open a secret door into your house and enter whenever they please. Let's say you're done with the whole "I'll just leave their mail out on my counter because they'll eventually snoop their way into it and take it, saving me the trip to their flat" routine. Let's say you're sick of landlords that attempt to kill you by piping carbon monoxide into your living arrangements. Moving often allows you to be violated in so many strange and different ways, beyond being turned into a porn star/harassment victim by a government agency. It would be a shame if you were to finally find a reasonable landlord in a beautiful house in said sunny paradise and live there for a reasonable amount of time.

Another great thing about moving is the chance you get to learn about new places. Specifically, what taxes you need to pay in new places. In England, to take another random example, they force you to pay what they call council tax. It's sort of like property tax, except it's fun! And by fun, I mean you have to pay it even if you're renting. Think of it as a tax on not being homeless. Now, we in the United States typically tax things we want to discourage, like cigarettes, booze, income, and starting companies, but the brits tax people for not living on the street, because this makes sense. Heaven forbid you get out of that wicked cold, because you're gonna be taxed ONE HUNDRED freaking pounds a month for it. Come on, people, isn't this the land of Robin Hood? What happened to the whole giving to the poor bit?

1. And by rewarding, I mean tear-jerkingly expensive. There's nothing quite like being asked to fork over four thousand dollars to move into an apartment that causes you to lose sleep and rant on a blog about it.
2. The old joke my buddy Greg tells is that, during the winter, Palo Alto can hit temperatures of negative ten degrees! This typically shocks people, until he informs them that his baseline is 60.
3. And I'm so not kidding. I finally saw a wisp of blue sky yesterday, and today I actually saw something that was being lit by the sun. Baby steps. This reminds me of my buddy down in Argentina, who, after a week of solid rain, swore he would be going home the next day if the sun didn't come out. We woke up to find not a cloud in the sky. This experience taught me the tender lesson that God loves other people, because every time I say that sort of thing it just rains harder.

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