Sunday, December 5, 2010

being a mormon

I realize this comes as no surprise to the five people who still read my blog, but I am a mormon. I'm not Mormon,1 but I am a mormon.

I became a mormon several years ago in the wilds of Idaho, after spending the night wrestling twin goats, and finally cutting their jugulars with my fingernails and drinking their blood while chanting and dancing over a roaring fire on the night of a full moon.

Just kidding! It was really a waxing gibbous moon.2

No, but seriously, being a member of what many consider to be a religious cult does provide you with a constant source of entertainment in life. Not only do you get the joy of being told you're going to hell by pretty much every other Christian group on the planet, but most of my life is spent in the following cycle:

Is there an awkward moment in a mixed-religious crowd? Make a polygamy joke!3

Another awkward moment? Make an alcohol joke!

Are you with other mormons and someone mentioned a dam? Make a dam joke!4

Actually, the religion is defined by a million other, more important items, like faith, repentance, baptism, the spirit, the sacrament, temple worship, loving and helping others, strengthening families, and, in general, drawing closer to God, but we're not going to make fun of those today because a) that'd be above-and-beyond sacrilegious on my part, whereas today I'm just interested in light sacrilege, and b) they're not really funny.5

The downside to being a mormon, of course, is that you need to represent all of those items in your daily life, you know, to be a good example of your people and faith. This is actually really hard work, and it's even harder when you're super crazy and borderline autistic. I spend most of my day worrying that, because of my influence, people think that "not cutting your toenails on the carpet" is a religious tenet.

I mean, it should be, but it's not. And neither is memorizing digits of Pi a requirement for membership (though again: it should be). And worship of ducks is nowhere in there either.6 I feel some obligation to explain to my friends and co-workers that no, mormons aren't crazy: that's just me.

So let me take this time to reassure you all that members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are, apart from myself, wonderful and kind people, and I encourage you to ask them any questions you desire.

Especially questions about polygamy, because the jokes are the best.

1. Though you can say, "I'm Catholic", or "I'm Baptist", you can't really say, "I'm Mormon", because that implies you are an ancient prophet. Well, I suppose one person could say that, but he's not reading this (unless this is one of those records that condemns me at the last judgment). Though mormons get picky about the whole being called mormon thing, because the real name of the church is The Church of The Longest and Most Complicated Name Ever, Which is Guaranteed to Cause Awkwardness and Confusion Should You Ever Attempt to Refer to the Full Name of the Church When Being Harassed at the Company Christmas Party for not Drinking.
2. Seriously, who comes up with these lunar phase names?
3. I really should stop making these because we renounced polygamy over a hundred years ago, but it's difficult to stop when you actually descend from actual polygamists, even if spreading that knowledge to casual acquaintances normally creeps them out like nothing else in life (try it though, because it's SUPER fun). And, for the record, I am allowed to make those jokes, but, as I said last week, random strangers are not allowed the same privilege. Not unless YOUR great great grandfather spent hard time in Sugar House prison for polygamy too.
4. I think roughly 30% of the humor I have encountered/propagated in my life revolves around dam jokes (dam fish, dam workers, dam roads, dam...uh..dams?) and their ability to entertain.
5. More B than A, probably. Which is why I never get bothered by those going to hell accusations, because I'm going there due to my dark and evil heart, not my religious affiliation.
6. This week I ran into an old ticket I filed, wherein I gave an example of a question one might ask our survey respondents:

Grid:
How much is the platypus like the following animals?

Rows:
Zebra
Giraffe
Duck
Other (please specify)

Columns:
Like a lot!
There's no such thing as a platypus; only a super duck

Yes: I am the coolest man alive.

5 comments:

Sarah Louise said...

Well, it's now Sunday here in Vegas too, and thank goodness you wrote this post, so I have something to link to in my gchat status. And it's Sabbath-related too (sort of), so that's a plus.

The dam jokes. To so many, those never get old...

Aroura said...

Wow, dam jokes. I haven't heard a good dam joke in forever! Good times.

Layne said...

So . . . you're not Mormon? Thanks for telling us, you crumb bum.

In other news, did you know that male platypuses (or platypodes, if you will) have venomous spurs on their hind feet? RAD.

Diana said...

Good to know you still think your are the smartest man alive.

chris said...

layne, okay, had I known that, I never would have gone with ducks to begin with. platypi are infinitely cooler.

and of course I am diana!