Sunday, January 2, 2011

holiday exercise

The best part about the holiday season is, of course, the free pass you get from exercising. You can't exercise when you're on vacation! You forgot your running shoes! And by forgot, I mean, intentionally didn't pack them so you'd have an excuse not to pick your flabby self up from the couch and your week of non-stop consumption of chocolate!

Many healthy people think this is a bad thing, but this is why God invented ignoring people. It doesn't matter that your sister just ran an Ironman and your other sister just did a twelve mile run wherein her hair, water bottles, and sense of common decency towards the fat members of the family all froze solid, because you're fine just the way you are.1 Fat.

Just kidding! I would never encourage fatness. I would however encourage eating Cadbury Creme Eggs, which might just have that side effect.2

But seriously, do you really need to go exercise right now? I don't understand the incentive to exercise when it's freezing outside. Dude. It's snowing. You get a free pass today, I promise. The sheer weight of the misery of negative temperatures causes normal bodies to double their caloric burn.

But give me whatever crack you're smoking, because if you're at a point where you're willing to go prance around on black ice in negative temperatures instead of hide yourself in mangy blankets and moan for summer, I can't even imagine the things you can accomplish when it's warm and sunny outside.

And yes, I brought my running shoes. But I'm not happy about it.3

1. And I'm so not kidding! Life is not fair. How do I get stuck with the dynamic duo of stamina-soaked sisters? All I want to do is lead a normal life wherein I get to eat brownies for every meal over the holidays, and I get Ms. Triathlon and Mrs. Marathon watching my every calorie, and waking up at 4:45 to go to spinning class. This is also what led to the Airplane Incident, wherein my sister, describing her family to her seatmate, told her she had five brothers, but, and I quote, "my brothers are more like sisters".
2. Though I think those are an Easter-only treat. I ate my first one last year, and I'm pretty sure I'm still on that sugar high. How do chocolatiers live with themselves after creating such delectably-fattifying treats? There is absolutely no way that creme egg is ever going to be expunged from my body. The calories will still be observable on my bones via electron microscope in the year 3010.
3. I'm also not happy about the post being so late this week, my general lack of observance of a schedule for the past month on the blog, and the fact that this week's post is short and semi-sweet, like the chocolate I eat. Let's just pray you're all too busy with family to notice! Happy New Year! The lamest holiday ever!


Marie said...

hey, you were the one begging me to go running. THIS POST IS NOT TRUE, you are just as crazy as the rest of them. I'm the one with 10 extra pounds hanging over my squeezed into pants.

MommaMcCarthy said...

True true. Lamest holiday ever and I did not notice your lack of frequency. As far as holiday exercise is concerned, I go ahead and extend that to any month with cold weather. You, unfortunately live in paradise (or perhaps I should say fortunately) and therefore cannot claim to burn enough calories naturally by constantly trying to keep your body temperature above hypothermic levels.