Sunday, February 13, 2011

characteristics to look for in a future spouse

Given the absolutely stunning success of The Complete Guide to Everything,1 lately, people have been flocking to my superior intellect, asking me to bequeath upon them some advice on any number of things, and, in particular, I have been asked what characteristics they should be looking for in a spouse.2

Naturally, I am always flattered to have the opportunity to expose some of my many opinions to the mortals.3 Besides telling women to look for someone exactly like me, except with more hair, and fewer known disorders, I also point them to the essentiality of marrying someone who understands the basics of human transport.

Humans are on the go for 43.2%4 of their waking minutes, be it walking, cycling, or driving. I think it's of the utmost importance, when choosing a spouse, to ensure said spouse produces the most globally suboptimal outcome in any travel scenario.

For example, when walking towards an individual, does your beloved mimic their every move? Does he skip frenetically to the right and left, intentionally shrouding the true direction he intends to move? How much awkwardness does he elicit in this interaction? Does he try to make a "witty" remark? Chuckle? Or perhaps blame me for frantically jumping every which way, painfully trying to avoid any human contact, trying to preserve the small amount of dignity I still have after that whole restroom post of some weeks past?

Furthermore, does your beloved drag a wheelie suitcase everywhere he goes? Does he insist on following me down long corridors with the creepy wheelie suitcase rolling, rolling, rolling behind me? Does he and every other person on this planet who follows me with wheelie suitcases deserve to be waterboarded with swamp scum for the anxiety attacks they've given me?

If he does none of this, investigate his cycling skills. When cycling on a two-lane road with a gigantic bike lane, set aside specifically for the sole and exclusive purpose of biking, does he let you take the bike lane, and then ride next to you, chugging along, backing up traffic for miles because he refuses to ride tandem? Does his brain insist that nobody else in the world exists, and that the street which he is biking on, which contains a bike lane, which he is currently riding next to, is for his own personal amusement?

Lastly, when driving, does he make sure to go the unimaginable speed of 55 MPH through the wasteland of California's Central Valley, then speed up to 80 should anyone think about passing him? Does he do this repeatedly for miles and miles? Does he make the man driving the white truck behind him wish his immediate and painful death?

These are important characteristics when choosing a spouse, because these individuals should procreate and promulgate their suboptimality-finding genes among the people on our sidewalks, streets, and freeways.

1. And by stunning success, I mean I now have three (paid) family members reading it.
2. This is the moral equivalent of asking my brother Nathan what life is like without music. He cannot even conceive the premise of the question, let alone provide you an answer. This is the man that I blame for the long-running rule at the Perry house: No Singing at the Dinner Table. I want you to take a few moments and ponder the sequence of events that might have led to that being established as a rule. Which reminds me, have I already mentioned the word goose was all-out banned as well? Good times.
3. Though, as my coworker once informed me, I am a man of many opinions, and yet, "they are all the wrong opinions". So you are here warned.
4. Finding the actual number was too much work, so I made a few guesses and took the median. The statistical term for that is imputation.

1 comment:

MommaMcCarthy said...

my family totally had the "no singing at the dinner table " rule too! sadly, i don't remember when/why it was instated. must have been before my time.