Friday, February 4, 2011

earnings reports

One thing I love about when large successful tech companies report earnings is seeing all of my friends discussing how their company made a lot of money.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my wealthy friends and their millions of green friends that money isn't everything in the world. Sure, your company revolutionized the way people compute, listen to music, use the phone, and look like weenies by carrying around Star Trek toys, but my company made a lot of happiness today. What do you think about that? Do you see me online bragging about it? No you don't, because I'm happy.

I'm happy because I don't have my sleep interrupted by the calls and solicitations of the dozens of beautiful women who pursue the people who were intelligent enough to listen to their roommate when he told them to buy all the Apple stock they could back in 2005 when it was $55. Thank you, but I sleep pretty well by myself in my Ikea-furnished flat. Because that's what happiness feels like. Ikea. Sleeping on an Ikea bed with palpable springs lightly caressing your back, under Ikea covers, eating on Ikea dishes, and listening to your neighbors screaming at four in the morning as they head off to Ikea. Probably.

Happiness is one of the happiest feelings in the world, and, to paraphrase the venerable Mr. Grinch, it cannot be bought at a store. Perhaps happiness is a little bit more.

Happiness is more than going over to my old roommate's house, that is, the one he bought with the profits from following his own advice to buy all the Apple stock he could, which is now trading around $345, I might add, and seeing the wife and children he supports with said profits, and eating apples off of the trees he bought with those very same profits.

Happiness is more than that, or even more than having relationships with people who can invest money without causing a stock market crash1 every time they put money into the market. So please desist from carrying out your victory parades with your gold watches and your magic phones and your paper-thin computers and your salaciously shallow supermodels, because underneath that sheen of wealth that you are hoarding away in your Scrooge McDuckian vaults, I want to ask you if you are really happy. Does the fact that you are able to establish homes and support beautiful wives and children really, truly, make you happy? Wouldn't you rather work for a company that makes happiness? I thought so.

I'm also happy because I didn't accept the job offer that would have given me options with a current estimated worth of several hundred thousand dollars, and an IPO in the near future. I'll remind my wealthy friends that I don't have to pay taxes on options I never acquired, and thus I have no AMT to worry about tonight when I do my taxes on my Ikea table. Think about all of that money you guys are giving to the tax man: that's going to pay for food stamps for my children, should anyone ever be dumb enough to procreate with me. Because that's what happiness feels like. Seeing your kids eat food that rich people who work for tech magnates paid for.2

1. I wish to solicit thanks from every single investor in the world at this precise moment, as I am limiting my allocation to stocks. Every other time in my life when I have invested significant amounts of money into the stock market, it has immediately crashed. As evidence, I present to you the year 2000, and the year 2007. When I do start re-allocating, I will warn you all to flee, so that you will not carry the burden, as I do, of having destroyed over half your net worth by poor timing.
2. Before I am fired, let me remind my readers that these posts are written in jest, and I am perfectly happy with my employment and the conditions of my employment, which are nice, and I am happy with the path I have chosen, which has many benefits I choose not relate here. I do, however, take some guilty pleasure in noting my opportunity costs from time to time.


-Nate- said...

"Do you see me online bragging about it?" Yes. See: "but my company made a lot of happiness today"

Aroura said...

Ah IKEA - Walmart prices without Walmart customers. (you know, these ones: )Just kidding, I've never set foot in the IKEA over here (though everyone else in the entire valley has) and I occasionally frequent Walmart (though I must protest more appropriately dressed than those in the previous link)