Thursday, February 17, 2011


Every summer during my college1 years I spent on a sabbatical from dating. Summer Sabbatical, if you will. Those were days of endless mirth and zero wo-misery spent with Mr. Davis and Mr. Sundberg.

In hindsight, that wasn't the most intelligent way to spend my time in Utah.2 I mean, sure, fine, it worked out great for Mr. I Married a Ballerina and I Own a Home and Mr. I Got Married and I Own My Own Business, but not necessarily so well for Mr. I Blog About Getting Rejected by Women.

In that grand tradition, I will be taking a sabbatical from The Complete Guide to Everything. I anticipate resuming in several weeks, or as soon as I feel funny again, whichever comes first. In the interim, I suspect Jeremiah will post if he feels like posting.

Also, it would appear I live close enough to hear the screaming crowds of Emirates stadium cheering for Arsenal. That or there is a really big mob outside coming to lynch me.

Since I'm in a introspective mood, I'll admit that I've contemplating shelving the guide completely for some time for a variety of reasons: I'm too formulaic, my style grows old, my own perceived quality is decreasing, etc., but every time I ponder it, I realize that I really only write here for myself. Well, my primary goal in life is to make the world laugh, but, even when I can't do that, I still find myself unable to live quietly. As a child, I was known as screamer for my decibellic abilities, and this has carried on to adulthood.

For those reasons, I will still be writing, but I will not be posting until I can feel the glee of hitting submit and knowing that I have composed a piece of art, instead of hitting submit and feeling I didn't do as good as my post on belts, calling women, fifty milers, goals, high school reunions, hotels in Kensington, job titles, killer machines, locker rooms, management, meeting women, productivity, queues, summer jobs, or towel etiquette (maybe that will keep you company during the sabbatical).

Also, I have a number of other writing projects that I have been delaying; namely the book (any suggestions on publishers? Does one just randomly submit manuscripts? Or should I just go straight-up eBook route? I totally fell out of love with that idea because the footnotes are really hard to figure out. Also, I hate parentheticals with multiple sentences. How do you even end these things?) and my miscellaneous poetry and literature of other genres.

When I do come back, I will not follow a set schedule, except I will shoot for weekly at minimum.

To summarize, I have just spent an entire page boring you all to tears.3 Luckily, most of you don't speak to me that often, so consider this part of a conversation, one we can continue in the medium of your choice. I miss all of you, my good friends, even if I neglected to create the Perry Family Christmas Card this year.

1. In the UK they refer to it as University, or Uni. I'm sorry, but Uni sounds way too close to eunuch. This is why I instinctively flinch every time I meet a student.
2. I would like to take this time to encourage my younger friends to not wile away their time in the land of milk and honeys, because, when it comes to sheer likelihood of finding a companion, Utah is anything but the desert. Math doesn't lie.
3. I never said it would be worth it, I only said it would be cheesy.


MommaMcCarthy said...

How sad. This is the only blog Jay and I read outloud together. If we get a divorce, I'm blaming you.

Cindy said...

Feel funny soon! I depend on the Complete Guide for all of my knowledge about life, the universe, and everything.