Friday, April 22, 2011


Based on the advice of a beautiful woman, I recently attended a yoga class. This makes sense, because every other time in my life I've decided to try a new experience, it was because of a woman; like waterskiing, plucking my unibrow1, kissing, and getting super nervous about that and pulling over to the side of the road and puking my guts out.2

After being thoroughly insulted by my male friends for even considering such heresy, I made my way to my fancy gym (that is, Virgin Active3) to take part in a yoga class.

I entered a cool dark room, and found a half dozen people lying silently on mats. This obviously comprises Ashtanga, or, "the way in which we scare the jeebies out of newbies". Trying hard to fit in, I found a mat and attempted to nonchalantly lay down on a floor with a bunch of heavily-breathing strangers.

After a few moments a woman came in and began moaning.

I find I am at a loss for words to describe my feelings at this stage. Let us just say I had identified all possible exits from the room.

Luckily, she did not pull out a knife and ritually disembowel us. Instead, she turned on the lights and ran through some cursory introductions, quickly identifying me as a complete idiot, then moved on to describe self-esteem-boosting poses like "downward-facing dog", or "fat dude who sits at a desk all day long and can't suspend himself contorted in mid-air with one arm and collapses in front of the petite females balancing with ease who have not just drenched their mat in sweat", and the pose I was instructed to maintain for the balance of the class, "child".

All in all, I'd say it was a successful discovery of yoga. Maybe it will encourage me to be more like my old yoga master pseudo-roommate and ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend.4 For example, I could start drinking soy, hemp, and human milk.5

Eh, maybe not. 2% is fine for me.

1. Judge me as you will. Maybe we can chalk up my unmarriedness to my feminine grooming habits. Though, for the record, this all started when Sadie, my beautiful desk neighbor in sixth grade, suggested it. She is long married, but her memory lingers.
2. Let us never speak again about The Incidents.
3. When I told my good friend the name of my gym she started laughing and said, "you must be the only one". And yes, this came after the time I suggested we date and she suggested I keep a very long distance away from her.
4. If the post does not make this clear: I love that man like a brother. And boy, did we have some great conversations (about her, and other things).
5. In fairness, he only discussed patronizing a restaurant in which it was served, but he discussed it with such promise and vigor, that I can only assume he has now indulged his declared delicacy.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

reasons to not pursue women

So today my two buddies Adam and Scott are visiting, and they have been asking me why I don't pursue certain women. In order to assuage them, I have compiled a list of reasons I have not pursued, or have stopped pursuing various women.1

I feel like I need to confess these items to move forward with my life, and hopefully overcome my deep superficiality.

And yes, these are all one hundred percent true. And no, this is not the full list.

  1. Likes cats
  2. Too skinny
  3. Weighs more than me
  4. Looks too much like my mom
  5. Says annoying words
  6. Too serious
  7. Is more spiritual than me, and I would pull her down
  8. Drinks booze
  9. Living with her boyfriend
  10. Hair is too curly
  11. Too short
  12. Too tall
  13. Asked me to leave her alone
  14. Laughs too much
  15. Doesn't think I'm funny
  16. Won't let me eat food she doesn't like
  17. Too Republican
  18. Is scary beyond all reason
  19. Runs faster than me
  20. Doesn't run faster than me
  21. Likes me too much
  22. Answered an Economics question poorly
  23. Eats men
  24. Likes Zoolander
  25. Talks too much about naked people
  26. Doesn't like tanks
  27. Thinks I'm a nerd and refuses to talk to me in any capacity
  28. Got deported
  29. Is probably a serial killer
  30. Doesn't speak English
  31. Is totally out of my league, even if she does seek me out to talk to me
  32. Is smarter than me
  33. Isn't smarter than me
  34. Asked me how old I am
  35. Laughed at how old I am
  36. Plays an instrument too well
  37. Ran away from me when I tried touching her
  38. Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Hispanic)
  39. Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Black)
  40. Went on a mission to get away from me
  41. Dated a loser
  42. Made out with 1+ friends
  43. Is too attractive
  44. Knows me from any awkward stage of my life
  45. Made out with a muppet2
  46. Started dating someone before I could get around to asking her (usually on the order of 2+ months)
  47. Made fun of my math homework
  48. Attacked me
  49. Lured me into her lair and attacked me
  50. Asked me to stop asking her out, then went on a mission to get away from me (I still have hopes though...)
  51. Married my brother
  52. Has a name derived from Chris, or sounds anything like unto it
  53. Is disgusted by chest hair
  54. Forces me to massage her
  55. Eats more than me and calls into question my masculinity
  56. Is wayyyyy cooler than me
  57. Likes annoying TV shows
  58. Can't contribute good athletic, or non-nerd genes to our future children, to balance mine out
  59. Is a missionary, even if her APs tell me that, "any sister missionary with a serious marriage proposal can be honorably released"
  60. Is too kind (deals poorly with sarcasm, dry humor, dark humor, laughing at people falling up stairs, etc.)
  61. Clips her toenails on the carpet

1. Please don't take offense at any of these items. This is not meant as a list of reasons women are lame, but a list of reasons I am shallow.
2. I think this is the only truly identifying item on the list, and if you read this, I am sorry, but I can only ever remember that video, which was awesome, but I always always think of it.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


This morning I'm looking over some notes for future everyguide posts, and all I can say is: seriously? Seriously? Did I really think this stuff would be funny?

I have ever-so-helpful notes like, "makeup". Really? Makeup? How in the world am I going to write something funny about makeup? The one sole thing I can say is to quote my old roommate who would say, "your makeup doesn't fool me!"

Then I have a line dedicated to my great t-shirt idea: picture this; an image of a fan, superimposed with a big X that says "Not a fan". Great idea huh? Right. How does this make it to everyguide? I don't know.

My other idea was going to be this great post on how to awkwardly hug someone, which was going to be complete with pictures and stuff, until I realized it was going to be even more awkward to ask a girl to awkwardly hug me. AND take pictures. That's like double the awkwardness. Who would go for that? Not a lot of people, I'll tell you that. Most of my conversations with women now are interspersed with hollering of, "don't you dare blog about that!" Like the conversation last night wherein a girl...oh, never mind. Stricken from the record. Which is a shame.

And speaking of awkward male-female interactions and old roommates, I really really wanted to tell the story of my absolutely genius friend who came up with ways to discourage women from liking him. One of them involved inching a finger up his nose until the woman noticed, then pulling it out quickly and trying to act nonchalant. BRILLIANT. The man is genius.

Anyways, before I let you go, there's a dude staying at my place this week, and as I was telling an old friend while on a recent whirlwind tour of the states: there's nothing quite like living with someone to make you realize you're not the kind, generous, loving person you pretend you are when being a hermit.

Every time I walk into the bathroom, the toilet seat is left up. I want to be perfectly and completely clear about something: God created the toilet cover with the full intent of having it used, and there is a tiny corner of hell for people who don't pick up on that cue. Seriously people, do you want the image of a toilet bowl burned into your eyes every time you walk into a bathroom? What happens if you drop your toothbrush? Your contacts? Or maybe you prefer to aerosolize your own poo?

And I really have real posts in tow somewhere, and you'll get them soon, but I've been incapable of beating jet lag this time around, mainly because this time around there's a dude watching me trying to beat jet lag, and of course, the ONE TIME in my life I can't get over it is the time I get dude watching me unable to beat it.

What can I say? Curse the day.