Sunday, April 17, 2011

reasons to not pursue women

So today my two buddies Adam and Scott are visiting, and they have been asking me why I don't pursue certain women. In order to assuage them, I have compiled a list of reasons I have not pursued, or have stopped pursuing various women.1

I feel like I need to confess these items to move forward with my life, and hopefully overcome my deep superficiality.

And yes, these are all one hundred percent true. And no, this is not the full list.

  1. Likes cats
  2. Too skinny
  3. Weighs more than me
  4. Looks too much like my mom
  5. Says annoying words
  6. Too serious
  7. Is more spiritual than me, and I would pull her down
  8. Drinks booze
  9. Living with her boyfriend
  10. Hair is too curly
  11. Too short
  12. Too tall
  13. Asked me to leave her alone
  14. Laughs too much
  15. Doesn't think I'm funny
  16. Won't let me eat food she doesn't like
  17. Too Republican
  18. Is scary beyond all reason
  19. Runs faster than me
  20. Doesn't run faster than me
  21. Likes me too much
  22. Answered an Economics question poorly
  23. Eats men
  24. Likes Zoolander
  25. Talks too much about naked people
  26. Doesn't like tanks
  27. Thinks I'm a nerd and refuses to talk to me in any capacity
  28. Got deported
  29. Is probably a serial killer
  30. Doesn't speak English
  31. Is totally out of my league, even if she does seek me out to talk to me
  32. Is smarter than me
  33. Isn't smarter than me
  34. Asked me how old I am
  35. Laughed at how old I am
  36. Plays an instrument too well
  37. Ran away from me when I tried touching her
  38. Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Hispanic)
  39. Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Black)
  40. Went on a mission to get away from me
  41. Dated a loser
  42. Made out with 1+ friends
  43. Is too attractive
  44. Knows me from any awkward stage of my life
  45. Made out with a muppet2
  46. Started dating someone before I could get around to asking her (usually on the order of 2+ months)
  47. Made fun of my math homework
  48. Attacked me
  49. Lured me into her lair and attacked me
  50. Asked me to stop asking her out, then went on a mission to get away from me (I still have hopes though...)
  51. Married my brother
  52. Has a name derived from Chris, or sounds anything like unto it
  53. Is disgusted by chest hair
  54. Forces me to massage her
  55. Eats more than me and calls into question my masculinity
  56. Is wayyyyy cooler than me
  57. Likes annoying TV shows
  58. Can't contribute good athletic, or non-nerd genes to our future children, to balance mine out
  59. Is a missionary, even if her APs tell me that, "any sister missionary with a serious marriage proposal can be honorably released"
  60. Is too kind (deals poorly with sarcasm, dry humor, dark humor, laughing at people falling up stairs, etc.)
  61. Clips her toenails on the carpet

1. Please don't take offense at any of these items. This is not meant as a list of reasons women are lame, but a list of reasons I am shallow.
2. I think this is the only truly identifying item on the list, and if you read this, I am sorry, but I can only ever remember that video, which was awesome, but I always always think of it.


Jess said...

hahahahaha....even or especially after that list I still heart CP. Too many favorites on this list of yours to call them out.

Jessica said...

Well, I guess #18 rules me out... ;)

Janis said...

I am so happy to stumble upon your blog Chris. It made my day! But I do have to say that there is not a single good reason on this list- nope, not one. There is a great girl out there who is going to be lucky to have you, if you ever work up the courage to ask her out! You can do it, I know you can. Send me an email and I'll invite you to our blog- private, you know, have to protect the little one.

Carrie said...

Um, I feel compelled to comment because I have used almost all of these reasons to reject men...does that make me shallow? I really felt like it was a rational choice every time. Favorites: 5-21 for sure, 22! (idiots), 31-37, 41-44, 47, 52 but with my name, 56, 57, 58 I have thought way too much about, and 60. But I am disgusted by chest hair.

P.S. Sorry to be a random blog-stalker, you know how it is with friends of friends posting things on facebook, small Mormon world and whatnot. But then again, this is a public blog, so you are inviting a certain degree of voyeurism. Thanks for the hilarious list!