So today my two buddies Adam and Scott are visiting, and they have been asking me why I don't pursue certain women. In order to assuage them, I have compiled a list of reasons I have not pursued, or have stopped pursuing various women.1
I feel like I need to confess these items to move forward with my life, and hopefully overcome my deep superficiality.
And yes, these are all one hundred percent true. And no, this is not the full list.
- Likes cats
- Too skinny
- Weighs more than me
- Looks too much like my mom
- Says annoying words
- Too serious
- Is more spiritual than me, and I would pull her down
- Drinks booze
- Living with her boyfriend
- Hair is too curly
- Too short
- Too tall
- Asked me to leave her alone
- Laughs too much
- Doesn't think I'm funny
- Won't let me eat food she doesn't like
- Too Republican
- Is scary beyond all reason
- Runs faster than me
- Doesn't run faster than me
- Likes me too much
- Answered an Economics question poorly
- Eats men
- Likes Zoolander
- Talks too much about naked people
- Doesn't like tanks
- Thinks I'm a nerd and refuses to talk to me in any capacity
- Got deported
- Is probably a serial killer
- Doesn't speak English
- Is totally out of my league, even if she does seek me out to talk to me
- Is smarter than me
- Isn't smarter than me
- Asked me how old I am
- Laughed at how old I am
- Plays an instrument too well
- Ran away from me when I tried touching her
- Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Hispanic)
- Is white, but thinks she's ethnic (Black)
- Went on a mission to get away from me
- Dated a loser
- Made out with 1+ friends
- Is too attractive
- Knows me from any awkward stage of my life
- Made out with a muppet2
- Started dating someone before I could get around to asking her (usually on the order of 2+ months)
- Made fun of my math homework
- Attacked me
- Lured me into her lair and attacked me
- Asked me to stop asking her out, then went on a mission to get away from me (I still have hopes though...)
- Married my brother
- Has a name derived from Chris, or sounds anything like unto it
- Is disgusted by chest hair
- Forces me to massage her
- Eats more than me and calls into question my masculinity
- Is wayyyyy cooler than me
- Likes annoying TV shows
- Can't contribute good athletic, or non-nerd genes to our future children, to balance mine out
- Is a missionary, even if her APs tell me that, "any sister missionary with a serious marriage proposal can be honorably released"
- Is too kind (deals poorly with sarcasm, dry humor, dark humor, laughing at people falling up stairs, etc.)
- Clips her toenails on the carpet
1. Please don't take offense at any of these items. This is not meant as a list of reasons women are lame, but a list of reasons I am shallow.
2. I think this is the only truly identifying item on the list, and if you read this, I am sorry, but I can only ever remember that video, which was awesome, but I always always think of it.
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4 comments:
hahahahaha....even or especially after that list I still heart CP. Too many favorites on this list of yours to call them out.
Well, I guess #18 rules me out... ;)
I am so happy to stumble upon your blog Chris. It made my day! But I do have to say that there is not a single good reason on this list- nope, not one. There is a great girl out there who is going to be lucky to have you, if you ever work up the courage to ask her out! You can do it, I know you can. Send me an email and I'll invite you to our blog- private, you know, have to protect the little one.
Um, I feel compelled to comment because I have used almost all of these reasons to reject men...does that make me shallow? I really felt like it was a rational choice every time. Favorites: 5-21 for sure, 22! (idiots), 31-37, 41-44, 47, 52 but with my name, 56, 57, 58 I have thought way too much about, and 60. But I am disgusted by chest hair.
P.S. Sorry to be a random blog-stalker, you know how it is with friends of friends posting things on facebook, small Mormon world and whatnot. But then again, this is a public blog, so you are inviting a certain degree of voyeurism. Thanks for the hilarious list!
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