Saturday, April 16, 2011


This morning I'm looking over some notes for future everyguide posts, and all I can say is: seriously? Seriously? Did I really think this stuff would be funny?

I have ever-so-helpful notes like, "makeup". Really? Makeup? How in the world am I going to write something funny about makeup? The one sole thing I can say is to quote my old roommate who would say, "your makeup doesn't fool me!"

Then I have a line dedicated to my great t-shirt idea: picture this; an image of a fan, superimposed with a big X that says "Not a fan". Great idea huh? Right. How does this make it to everyguide? I don't know.

My other idea was going to be this great post on how to awkwardly hug someone, which was going to be complete with pictures and stuff, until I realized it was going to be even more awkward to ask a girl to awkwardly hug me. AND take pictures. That's like double the awkwardness. Who would go for that? Not a lot of people, I'll tell you that. Most of my conversations with women now are interspersed with hollering of, "don't you dare blog about that!" Like the conversation last night wherein a girl...oh, never mind. Stricken from the record. Which is a shame.

And speaking of awkward male-female interactions and old roommates, I really really wanted to tell the story of my absolutely genius friend who came up with ways to discourage women from liking him. One of them involved inching a finger up his nose until the woman noticed, then pulling it out quickly and trying to act nonchalant. BRILLIANT. The man is genius.

Anyways, before I let you go, there's a dude staying at my place this week, and as I was telling an old friend while on a recent whirlwind tour of the states: there's nothing quite like living with someone to make you realize you're not the kind, generous, loving person you pretend you are when being a hermit.

Every time I walk into the bathroom, the toilet seat is left up. I want to be perfectly and completely clear about something: God created the toilet cover with the full intent of having it used, and there is a tiny corner of hell for people who don't pick up on that cue. Seriously people, do you want the image of a toilet bowl burned into your eyes every time you walk into a bathroom? What happens if you drop your toothbrush? Your contacts? Or maybe you prefer to aerosolize your own poo?

And I really have real posts in tow somewhere, and you'll get them soon, but I've been incapable of beating jet lag this time around, mainly because this time around there's a dude watching me trying to beat jet lag, and of course, the ONE TIME in my life I can't get over it is the time I get dude watching me unable to beat it.

What can I say? Curse the day.

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