Friday, April 22, 2011


Based on the advice of a beautiful woman, I recently attended a yoga class. This makes sense, because every other time in my life I've decided to try a new experience, it was because of a woman; like waterskiing, plucking my unibrow1, kissing, and getting super nervous about that and pulling over to the side of the road and puking my guts out.2

After being thoroughly insulted by my male friends for even considering such heresy, I made my way to my fancy gym (that is, Virgin Active3) to take part in a yoga class.

I entered a cool dark room, and found a half dozen people lying silently on mats. This obviously comprises Ashtanga, or, "the way in which we scare the jeebies out of newbies". Trying hard to fit in, I found a mat and attempted to nonchalantly lay down on a floor with a bunch of heavily-breathing strangers.

After a few moments a woman came in and began moaning.

I find I am at a loss for words to describe my feelings at this stage. Let us just say I had identified all possible exits from the room.

Luckily, she did not pull out a knife and ritually disembowel us. Instead, she turned on the lights and ran through some cursory introductions, quickly identifying me as a complete idiot, then moved on to describe self-esteem-boosting poses like "downward-facing dog", or "fat dude who sits at a desk all day long and can't suspend himself contorted in mid-air with one arm and collapses in front of the petite females balancing with ease who have not just drenched their mat in sweat", and the pose I was instructed to maintain for the balance of the class, "child".

All in all, I'd say it was a successful discovery of yoga. Maybe it will encourage me to be more like my old yoga master pseudo-roommate and ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend.4 For example, I could start drinking soy, hemp, and human milk.5

Eh, maybe not. 2% is fine for me.

1. Judge me as you will. Maybe we can chalk up my unmarriedness to my feminine grooming habits. Though, for the record, this all started when Sadie, my beautiful desk neighbor in sixth grade, suggested it. She is long married, but her memory lingers.
2. Let us never speak again about The Incidents.
3. When I told my good friend the name of my gym she started laughing and said, "you must be the only one". And yes, this came after the time I suggested we date and she suggested I keep a very long distance away from her.
4. If the post does not make this clear: I love that man like a brother. And boy, did we have some great conversations (about her, and other things).
5. In fairness, he only discussed patronizing a restaurant in which it was served, but he discussed it with such promise and vigor, that I can only assume he has now indulged his declared delicacy.

1 comment:

Michelle Glauser said...

You know, the first time I did yoga, I giggled uncomfortably the whole time. Same with pilates. Everything we were expected to do seemed so silly and out of my comfort zone. Then I finally realized (after a few sessions) that everyone else either feels dumb and thus self-conscious or is so into their own movements that they aren't paying attention to others. I also had to force myself to remember that yoga was for relaxing, not for energizing, because when I think of exercise, I think of breathing hard and having a racing heart and sweating, not of ending so slowly that you feel like sleeping. But as soon as I shifted my perspective (I was saying "relaxation, relaxation, relaxation" to myself the whole time, except in German), I was able to enjoy it.