Sunday, May 8, 2011


The other day I decided to revisit some extraordinarily painful experiences from my childhood.

No, I did not try biking by my crush's house, and then inviting myself over if people were out in the backyard.1

Instead, I put on glasses.2

Wearing glasses is like getting stabbed in the face, except less enjoyable. If you've ever put on glasses to "accessorize" or look smart for an evening, I want you to know that I hate you. You mock my, and every other glasses wearer's pain.

I hate you because you're trying to look trendy cool without having spent grades 2 through 5 as a social outcast.3 You're not worthy of the mark of geekism without spending time at the back of a dark locker, or on the bottom of a smear-the-queer pile, or having your tricycle stolen and trashed by the big kid down the street.4

Of course, had you been forced in your youth to wear glasses, which things automatically transformed you from low-grade forgettableness into full-out leader and bastion of the nerd world, you would have wizened up like me, and spent the next several years begging your parents to let you get contacts. You might have even been so excited about shedding your brown-plastic-clad coke bottles that you refused to admit any pain to the doctor who fit you with contacts, and, with your eyes blazing in pain, forced a smile, claimed everything was great, and skipped your way to the door (which was actually the wall, with which you collided with great force).5

So if you're wearing fake glasses right now, take them off. If you're wearing glasses for a prescription anywhere short of legally blind, take them off you pansy. And if you're wearing the most miserable glasses in the world which weigh about sixteen pounds and have a deathgrip on your face and are cutting into your nose with their wiry frame o' fury, keep them on. One week down, only seven more to go until LASIK.6

1. Seriously, could someone have told me how creepy I was as a child? Like, hey Chris, you might want to stop stalking the neighborhood girls because that's like the weirdest thing ever? Having written that, I'm suddenly becoming very self conscious about my current randomly-ambush-girls-online dating strategy.
2. Which are, annoyingly, constantly referred to as spectacles here in England. Seriously, spectacles? Did my grandma just crawl out of her grave to comment on my eyewear? Maybe I'll protect my spectacles by wrapping them in some stockings. And afterwards we can go see a talkie or something.
3. In fairness, this occurred in grades 1, and 6-12 as well, but I am unfortunately unable to blame glasses for those periods.
4. Having written that, I am now praying that occurred before the age at which I was chained with glasses.
5. True story.
6. Is it bad that the most sincere prayers of my adult life revolve around reducing the number of weeks necessary to wear glasses for LASIK preparation? Don't answer that.


Michelle Glauser said...

Oh my goodness. Lasik was the best expensive thing I ever paid for. Awesome. I still can't believe that I can see the clock when I wake up. It's like a miracle and I weep for the people in my family who will never be able to get Lasik.

Aroura said...

Lasik? Lucky! And your frames on your glasses at least look nerd-chic. Could be worse, I actually dated a guy who wore those awful huge circular frames *shudder*

bek said...

as least your mom didn't buy you the same frames as your g-ma perry. how did i survive 7th grade?