Sunday, May 15, 2011


I was first introduced to the concept of the walk-a-thon as a child back at Howard R. Driggs Elementary School.1 The idea, as explained to me, goes as follows:

A) You go around your neighborhood like a weenie and get the neighbors to sign up to donate an amount of money for every lap you walk around the school.
B) Your neighbors tell you you're a weenie because all of their kids are doing the same thing.
C) You come home to find your mom telling the neighbor kids the same thing.
D) Your dad pays for the whole thing, and you spend the night before the walk-a-thon making up fictitious donor names.

In other words, a walk-a-thon is great a way to raise funds if your goal is humiliation and awkwardness.

For some reason we, as a society, have decided that people won't donate money for the sake of the cause alone: someone has to incur some pain in order for us to do it, so start walking sissy boy.

So I walked around that school a few dozen times. Boy oh boy was that enjoyable. I could have been washing cars for money, or "doing my chores" by running the vacuum within earshot of my mother and lying next to it reading, or otherwise contributing to society, but I was walking around a school like a sucker so my fictitious donors would feel better about their donation.

The best thing about walk-a-thons, of course, is seeing my friends get suckered into participating in the adult equivalents. They go by many names, but they all involve not lounging on your couch making fun of charitable causes, which for me is unacceptable.

So enjoy your little races for the cures people. Tonight I'll be hosting the first ever couch-a-thon. You're free to sponsor me by donating money to your local cheetos fund and participating in whichever way you feel comfortable.

1. Known for being built in the seventies and painted by a drunk hippy. Also known for its curious phonetic similarity to the phrase, "how are our drugs?", to which, we as seven year olds, always responded positively.


Aroura said...

Have all these posts been building up inside you over your hiatus or something? Hilarious, as always.
I so remember these. At the time, though, they also involved the blight that is fanny packs and really awefully colored visors.

bek said...

well, times have changed. instead of exercising for fundraising we now sell cookie dough and chocolates. Sounds like you need a few boxes of each.

chris said...

aroura: yes. and thanks:)

and bek, yes. at least.

HC said...

I miss our days at Howard R. Drugs! Those were the days of innocence, awkward moments, and Miss Dean, the big green machine!