Sunday, June 26, 2011

ways in which you can be helpful to your fellow man

I spent the majority of my day yesterday paying the truck tax,1 and pondering other ways in which I could be useful to my fellow man.

As I am obviously brilliant, and my ideas should be shared and studied by all, I present them to you here.

Never throw away a whiteboard marker

You never know if your magician co-worker2 who uses the conference room after you will be able to conjure up some ink from the set of markers that were immediately sucked dry by marker gnomes upon their opening several decades ago.

So keep them around. Try each one, and kindly replace it back on the rack for the next inhabitant. Nobody hates you for this.

Ask people why they didn't call you when they were in town

Because there's obviously a non-awkward response to that question, right?

Let me guess, they told you they were busy, right? See, it's fun to force people to lie to you. Keep asking them.3 They love it.

Start a fast food chain. Invent patronizing dish names. Force customers to say them. Profit.

Because people love this. One of my hobbies is to hit up the local purveyors of cardboard, Pizza My Heart, and order a slice of Hawaiian pizza, and count the milliseconds until the server corrects me by telling me the slice is properly called Maui Wowie in their establishment. Thank you, Pizza My Heart, for inventing the most infantile slice name in the history of pizza. No, I do not lose a bit of respect for myself every time you make me say that.

If I wanted to walk around in public and sound like a weenie, I'd have stuck with the Econ major.4

An Honorable Mention goes to Wendy's, for forcing the American population to admit their consumptive corpulence by causing them to "biggie size" their meals. Has their ever been a time in my life when I could order that without whispering it across the counter?

No, there has not.5

Put Flash intros on your site

I scrubbed this from the original list, but because Pizza My Heart subjected me to one while looking up the spelling of the Evil Slice that Shall Not be Named, I mention it.

Theirs was, admittedly, tame.

Nevertheless, we, humanity, love Flash intros. We love waiting for something to open while you present us bubbly animations. Love. Love. Did I say love yet? Love.

Where do you live, oh web designer? As my friend Strongbad mentioned, your house is in no way the target of multiple eggings and toilet paperings.

Pop up new windows with advertisements if I accidentally click anywhere on your page

Because you are not personally responsible for the delirium of uselessness that the internet has become, and I in no way blame you for destroying the soul of humanity.

The ways in which you can be helpful to your fellow man are many and varied. Perhaps I will discuss more of them with you in the future.

1. Levied every Saturday on the suckers who own one.
2. No, seriously, my co-worker is literally a magician. Not the fake kind you normally hear about in the workplace, but an honest-to-goodness, read-your-mind-and-pull-bunny-rabbits-out-of-iPads magician.
3. Former hobby: seeing pictures people posted of London, then asking them why they didn't call me. Response: palpable awkwardness.
4. Lies. I perfected the skill years before college.
5. I stopped ordering meals from Wendy's years ago for this very reason. Standards or psychiatric neurosis? You decide.


Aroura said...

"It's fun to force people to lie to you." Hilarious!

jeremiah said...

In the hopes of getting you back to the best fast food establishment, aka Wendy's, I feel I should tell you it is no longer necessary to say "Biggie Size". You need only tell them you want a large. Ironically, I think we can thank the movie "Super Size Me" for this new convenience.

Michelle Glauser said...

It's probably a good thing that we're both not coffee drinkers. Did you hear about Starbucks having a new size called "The Trenta"? It's bigger than the human stomach . . .