Sunday, July 31, 2011

cowboys and aliens


I'm not a regular theatre goer per se, especially since the stumbling-into-my-buddy-and-his-in-laws-at-Star-Trek-and-they-realizing-I-was-going-to-a-nerd-movie-alone fiasco, but this weekend I stepped out with some buddies to go view the nuanced sure-to-be-classic Cowboys and Aliens.

If my mother is reading, let me state that title was a typo. I actually went to see an animated film with an MPAA rating of somewhere south of G, and no, I do not think Olivia Wilde is stunningly attractive, and no, I do not have her wikipedia page up right now.

Obviously, any movie with Olivia Wilde will capture my attention. Any genre is made better by her presence. For instance:

Hospital dramas?

Yes.

Hospital dramas with psychopathic drug-addict genius doctors?

Yes.

Sci-fi?

Yes.

Sci-fi thrillers where you don't care one bit about anybody else because they are super lame and the plot is terrible but holy cow is that music amazing and did she really just smile like that?

Yes.

Westerns?

Yes.

Sci-fi Westerns?

Yes.

Sci-fi Westerns with an Amnesiac James Bond fighting with a Cowboy-an Harrison Ford?

Ye...wait. That's already about the best thing anyone can imagine. Sorry. It doesn't get any better than that.

Harrison Ford anywhere is pretty much the pinacle of coolness. That is one of your basic movie-going principles. He's like Carey Grant, except he can punch you out. Add James Bond, and how can you possibly go wrong? You can't. That's the only answer.

That's not to say they didn't try. Let's review the plot.

I feel obligated to give you a spoiler alert at this point in time, but I'm not sure why you would care, because if you're going to see this movie, you're going for Harry and Olivia, not the plot.

Daniel Craig wakes up in the desert.
He kills some people.
He rides to town.
Olivia Wilde hits on him.
For reasons that cannot be explained by any modern means, he does not offer to massage her feet for the rest of his waking moments, but, in what must be the only instance of this occurrence ever, tells her to bug off.
He is arrested.
Harrison Ford shows up.
He's mad.
Aliens attack everyone.
Daniel Craig kills some people.
Olivia Wilde follows him around. He is obviously still undergoing some profound mental psychosis, as he does not propose to her.
Everyone teams up to track down the aliens, who are smart enough to fly spaceships, and not smart enough to, I dunno, not get tracked down.
Daniel Craig kills some people.
Aliens attack everyone.
Daniel Craig kills some people.
Olivia Wilde dies.
In an attempt to explain her freakish good looks, Olivia Wilde reveals herself to be an alien.
Oh, and she's alive again. Because that's what hot aliens can do.
They team up with some Apaches and promote racial tolerance.
Daniel Craig kills some people.
They attack the alien lair.
More racial tolerance.
Daniel Craig kills some people.
Olivia Wilde dies.
So do the aliens.
Everyone is happy, mainly because earth is saved, but also because they just made hundreds of millions of dollars off of suckers like you.

This is one of many film genres being re-done these days with the inclusion of aliens. I'm sure we can look forward to such titles as:

Walk the Line with Aliens
The Shalien Redemption
Lawrence of hey, we just put together a few frames of aliens photoshopped into a desert landscape along with occasional shots of Olivia Wilde so pay up chump
Schindler's Aliens
Indian Jones and the Crystal Alie...oh. Wait.

2 comments:

Josh Bingham said...

It's like I said..... Han Solo, James Bond, Aliens, Olivia Wilde. You can' go wrong...even with a so-so plot.

Your post is very funny!

drfindley said...

I'm sorry, I didn't get much of that. All I saw was "Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olvia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde…Olivia Wilde dies."