Saturday, August 6, 2011

reasons to not pursue me

Upon extending beyond a woman in my attempt to reach some cookies at a recent party,1 I excused myself for being so impolite, and was excused by the woman, "as long as you are wearing deodorant".

As is typical when I get myself in those situations, I became unable to speak, as a fire hose of information overwhelmed my speaking senses. For most people, relatively simple interactions pose no problem. They simply say "okay, yes, that's fine with me because I am normal."

Fortunately, I rarely have such a problem, and am usually able to corner the woman for the rest of the evening, expounding on the finer points of subjects she never cared to hear about. This is what I call "flirting". Women love "flirting" with me. I know this because they usually "swoon", or collapse from utter and abject misery, when I "flirt" with them.

Which brings me to my point today. I feel guilty after having authored a list of reasons I have declined to pursue women. I think it's time the women got their chance to respond, and so, I provide to you, the incomplete, yet official, set of reasons women have declined to pursue me. I reserve the right to add to these as the occasion arises.

  1. Follows the philosophy of his good friend Kevin, and refuses to wear deodorant, in a misguided attempt to achieve the homeostatic state of "no smell".
  2. Attempts to make reason #1 look not creepy in comparison by referencing his use of a bidet.
  3. Too skinny.
  4. Balding.
  5. Had learned how to ride a bike by the time I was born, and did not find this creepy in the slightest.
  6. When driving me on our first date, made the horrifying mistake of shouting, "I'm going to kill you!", instead of, "We're all going to die!" when we were almost sideswiped by a large truck.
  7. Goes full days eating nothing but cereal. Calls them food holidays. Wears a special hat.
  8. Spilled Mountain Dew on his jacket in June. Of 2010. Still hasn't gotten it dry cleaned. Wears it occasionally. Hopes nobody notices.
  9. Eats the peel on oranges to weird out his nephews.
  10. Called me the name of another girl on our first date.2
  11. Too short.
  12. Joked about his inability to run in front of me, a world-class runner. I assumed he was serious.
  13. Is a Mormon.
  14. Too ugly.
  15. Not religious enough.
  16. Too religious.
  17. Too boring
  18. Moments before we were about to kiss, threw up due to sheer overwhelming anxiety.
  19. Moments after we kissed, threw up due to sheer overwhelming anxiety.
  20. Ignoring supremely wise counsel, wrote the previous two reasons.3
  21. Made jokes about my grandparents' death.
  22. Made jokes about my name.
  23. Made jokes about my height.
  24. Appeared unwilling or unable to desist from routinely insulting me. Called them observations.
  25. Sulked when I made fun of him.
  26. Referred to himself as "the funniest guy you'll ever meet." Proceeded to make bad puns the rest of the evening. Couldn't resist from a dam joke or two.4
  27. I asked him to be serious. He stared at me blankly. And quacked.
  28. Drove a bright red VW New Beetle in college. Kept a flower in the vase. Thought this was awesome.5
  29. I misunderstood his job function to be data entry.
  30. Took me on a date around Salt Lake City, wherein everything he planned failed. The "street fair"6 closed as we arrived. We missed the last film showing. The fountains we visited were turned off. And then I had to pee, so we spent thirty minutes racing around downtown trying to find a bathroom as we both panicked. He gave up and took me to a snow cone shop. I later married a well-adjusted former football player who still has hair on his head.
  31. Insisted on referring to himself as an old man.
  32. Insisted on referring to me as an old woman.
  33. Referenced me to his co-workers by the moniker "Porn Star".
  34. I saw him in a swimsuit. The ophthalmologist thinks my cornea will recover from the damage in a few months.
  35. I offered him gum for his ridiculously terrible bad breath. He politely declined. I informed him he should "always accept gum when a woman offers".
  36. He couldn't hack it with the guys, so they had him play basketball with the women in high school gym. I couldn't look him in the face ever again.
  37. Refused to wear stage makeup for a performance. Said it was against his "principles". Can sing Mary Poppins at board meetings, but can't wear stage makeup.
  38. Spent the sum total of our interaction quizzing me on my watch, asking me why I liked it and my reasoning behind my choosing it, then proceeding to express his complete distaste with that type of watch before another dude came and saved me from my misery.
  39. Utterly refused to share in my dream of someday renting a cabin with my friends for the sole purpose of "getting our children to marry each other". Put his foot down, and, speaking of my friend who had his wife hand write sixteen pages of a Christmas letter, writing a separate copy for each of dozens of friends, which thing took her a solid week, said, "it will be a cold day in hell before I let my children go anywhere near him or his children."7

1. Note to self: when attending parties celebrating things, figure out what that thing is before approaching the host and making a fool of yourself by asking what you are celebrating. Just a thought. Unrelatedly, research the etymology behind the supposed Christmas in July that "everyone" knows about.
2. In my defense, she actually didn't pick up on this. I think.
3. While I felt the need to include these reasons to be collectively exhaustive, let me be clear that this has not manifested itself as a problem in over a decade. Please desist from judging me.
4. Nothing is more sure to get Mormons laughing than a well-timed dam joke. Not Mormon? They go like this: ooohh, look, Jeremiah, it's a dam! Look at the dam workers! And the dam fish! And the dam water! And the dam car! Mother: You damn kids, there is no such thing as a dam car! You are all grounded!
5. And I still think so. I believe I am the only heterosexual male in the world to hold this opinion.
6. Basically: two run-down wagons selling garbage parked outside the horrifically bad restaurant I mistakenly suggested we eat at.
7. I know, I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't judge a man based on one action. I'm sure he's a fine individual. But seriously, there are enough crazy genes floating around in my family already. We don't need those compounded.


Aroura said...

Burst out laughing so many times. That was the intent, right? :)

chris said...

always. always:)

Kevin Dee Davis said...

I assume I am not the aforementioned "Kevin" but if I am... I was kidding and someone with as many advanced degrees as you should probably realize there's no way of achieving a "...homeostatic state of no smell."

As always, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Looking forward to this weekend.

Michelle Glauser said...

To footnote #5: have you not heard of the term "metrosexual"?

Brad said...

OH NO!! Kevin's abandoned his "No Smell" philosophy! I aks you, what has the world come to?

I gotta say Chris, I liked this list WAAAAYY better than the previous. Sorry, chum!

dmeb said...

with you on 39

Melody said...

37 makes perfect sense to me. And I laughed a lot also, because this is freakin' fabulous.

Jess said...

27 is my favorite, mostly because I believe I've seen you do this to folks. Great list, still laughing!