Sunday, August 28, 2011

steve jobs

In shock to everyone living in a magical world where cancer-surviving liver transplant recipients live forever, Steve Jobs announced his retirement as CEO of Apple, firmly cementing his status as "Most Awesome CEO Ever Ever Ever".

CEOs of all the other middling corporations nationwide observed a moment of silence after his departure, then, realizing the average intelligence of a CEO of a major publicly-traded company just dropped to salivating monkey level, approved another round of bonuses for themselves as a reward their relative efficacy.

Santa Claus Steve Jobs is known throughout the world for his generosity in spending his entire life making toys for children of advanced all ages. In a letter circulated to employees of Apple and subsequently forwarded to TechCrunch by every single one of them hoping to get in good so that their future startups will receive favorable reviews, Jobs announced:

"After revolutionizing approximately six hundred and three industries and building you the fantasyland you've all been dreaming about since the fifties, I'm going to take a break, kick back with some Pale Ale and watch humanity screw it all up."

Jobs is succeeded as CEO by Tim Cook, who was originally recruited to Apple by Jobs, reportedly after Jobs asked him, "do you want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life, or do you want to come with me and make a freaking bazillion dollars on options you tree-hugging insomniac?"

Though some have questioned the statement's applicability, as Cook was then working for Compaq, lore has it that he was manning his daughter's lemonade stand in Woodside at the time.

Apple released a statement on the transition, declaring its complete confidence in Cook to, "live up to everyone's expectations and perform with the same vision and ability as Steve Jo...oh, who are we kidding? ALL IS LOST! THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!"

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